This is a win-win situation - if I keep it going
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| MacGyver Online Forums > Macs Loft > Last one to post Wins!! |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 31 May 2007 - 03:11 AM |
| Heres a simple game to pass the time with. The last one to post wins. Ready... Set... GO!!! |
| Posted by: Everhappy 31 May 2007 - 03:55 AM |
| This is good. I can make a lot of posts, and get a higher rank. This is a win-win situation - if I keep it going |
| Posted by: Lothithil 31 May 2007 - 04:10 AM |
| Oh Rocky... you just invite chaos, don't you? |
| Posted by: Everhappy 31 May 2007 - 06:23 AM |
| I like it |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 31 May 2007 - 07:11 AM |
| This might become an interesting topic full of useless stuff, but a good topic to make it endlessly long. This could become our longest topic ever. And a good way to get my rank and my previous count of messages back. I had over 3000 posts. But noooooo. We had to start all over again. I mean Rock wanted to. Setting all the post counts back to the number we have made so far after the crash. But I've got a few things up my sleeve to get my ranking and posts back up. Like Trumbo said: 'I'll do it again, better!!!' And that's what we'll do as well and I'm going for the 10.000 posts and beyond. |
| Posted by: Mac 31 May 2007 - 08:16 AM | ||
I could entertain you with a lesson on ancient Egyptian religion, but, instead, I'll tell you my favourite joke: Sherlock Holmes and Mr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. "Is that all?", Holmes asked. "Yes." Watson replied. "Why, am I missing something?". Holmes was quiet for a moment, then spoke: "Watson, you fool! Someone has stolen the tent!" Mac  |
| Posted by: Lothithil 31 May 2007 - 08:37 AM |
LOL! Sherlock Holmes jokes... I never thought I'd see the day!  I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back! credit to Herman de Zwaan |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 31 May 2007 - 08:43 AM | ||||
I don't get it.   But I'd prefer a joke over Egyptian stuff, because my mom has it way over her head with Egypt. So bad even that I don't watch The Mummy or The Mummy Returns anymore and they were two of my favourite films. (Well I don't watch it when she's around). Egypt was a mysterious country to me, so I've been there and done that, saw the temples and pyramids. But that she gets hooked meets that boyfriend of her. And I've had it with it. Now before the whole Egypt thing everything had to be Spanish for her. She wanted to get me into Spanish stuff. She wanted that I learned to speak Spanish. But I knew that if I start, she pushes and pushes me until I'm fed up with it as she usual does. I wanna do things but out of free will. Now that she's off learning Arabic and stuff, I'm getting interested in learning Spanish.  I know it, I'm evil. EVIL!!!  Do have to admit though, I always said I never wanted to learn Spanish, but she said, that I would change my mind some day. That's true, so I lost a little bit on that matter... BUT... I became interested in learning it after she lost interest in it, so maybe she thought, he'll never want to learn it, but now I do. So actually I win. Once everything used to be Spanish for her. Her music, her interests, now that all changed over to Arabic, but I got hooked to Spanish. Not that everything has to become Spanish for me now, but I began to get respect to it and willing to learning it. Besides I've got Spanish roots, so why shouldn't I now? |
| Posted by: Lothithil 31 May 2007 - 09:33 AM |
| I am on a thirty day diet. So far, I have lost 15 days. again, creds to Herman d'Z |
| Posted by: Mac 31 May 2007 - 09:35 AM | ||||
Peut-être en français? Sherlock Holmes et son assistant, le docteur Watson, font du camping. Au milieu de la nuit, Sherlock Holmes réveille son comparse et lui demande: - Watson, regardez vers le ciel et dites-moi ce que vous en déduisez. - Je vois des millions d'étoiles. S'il y a des millions d'étoiles, et si certaines d'entres elles sont entourées de planètes, il est probable qu'il y a des planètes qui ressemblent à la terre. Et, si tel est le cas, il pourrait y avoir de la vie sur une de ces planètes. - Watson, vous êtes idiot! On a volé notre tente!
You are so lucky. My next trip will be a pilgrimage to the holy ruins of Abtu ('Abydos'). Mac |
| Posted by: Sheepy 31 May 2007 - 10:41 AM |
| There's a lot I would want to post here. Like about the guy I really really like. But I can't as some of my "fun" colleagues are scanning the internet to find smut on others. So anything I say/post can and probably will be used against me. In the OPS room.   |
| Posted by: Lothithil 31 May 2007 - 11:12 AM |
| I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me. -Dave Barry |
| Posted by: Everhappy 31 May 2007 - 11:14 AM |
I really like Stargate  Did you know that Teal'c didn't say "Indeed" even once in the first season?  The first time he says it is in the episode Family in season 2. |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 31 May 2007 - 11:23 AM | ||
Argh! I hate French.  No offence. |
| Posted by: Sheepy 31 May 2007 - 11:32 AM |
Herman de Zwaan? Sounds Flemish or Dutch  |
| Posted by: Everhappy 31 May 2007 - 11:41 AM |
| 43% of all statistics are worthless. |
| Posted by: Stupid Little Genius 31 May 2007 - 12:07 PM |
does that mean that 57% are usefull??? i can do maths  |
| Posted by: MacNymph 31 May 2007 - 12:15 PM |
| I saw something in a program on something in Miami, and they were saying, "We've redecorated this building to how it looked over 50 years ago!" And people were going, "No, surely not, no. No one was alive then!" |
| Posted by: Everhappy 31 May 2007 - 12:53 PM | ||
Dunno  There are lies  And there are da**ed lies  And then there is statistics |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 31 May 2007 - 12:55 PM |
| I WIN!!!! |
| Posted by: Everhappy 31 May 2007 - 01:00 PM |
| No you don't |
| Posted by: Astra 31 May 2007 - 01:18 PM |
| I won't post in this thread until I know what I can possible win |
| Posted by: MacNymph 31 May 2007 - 01:21 PM |
| Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters, fair play to you. That's pretty damn good. Unless someone's dangling a Mars bar off in the distance. |
| Posted by: Lothithil 31 May 2007 - 01:26 PM | ||
Eddie!! "Holy Ghost... this is not an episode of 'Scooby Doo'! [ in best James Mason as God voice ] |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 31 May 2007 - 01:32 PM | ||
Promotion.  |
| Posted by: MacNymph 31 May 2007 - 01:41 PM | ||
Yes, I'm dedicating this thread to him. “But with dogs, we do have “bad dog.” Bad dog exists. “Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!” The dog is saying, “Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!” “Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.”” |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 31 May 2007 - 01:44 PM |
| Bragging rights ? |
| Posted by: MacNymph 31 May 2007 - 01:45 PM |
A merit badge.  |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 31 May 2007 - 01:47 PM |
| the pleasure of knowing you won. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 31 May 2007 - 01:58 PM |
| The satisfaction of a job well done. |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 31 May 2007 - 02:15 PM |
| knowing you beat everyone else.. and increased your post count at the same time. Not that we should worry about such things. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 31 May 2007 - 02:21 PM |
| No, of course not. |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 31 May 2007 - 02:36 PM |
| uh huh. I WIN!!!.. again. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 31 May 2007 - 02:39 PM |
| NOT!!... again |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 31 May 2007 - 02:44 PM |
| Hmmm... this could take some time.  |
| Posted by: MacNymph 31 May 2007 - 02:52 PM |
| |
| Posted by: Sheepy 31 May 2007 - 11:05 PM |
| I'm very often mystified by the way of thinking of several MOL members. I just love the word mystified. Had to make a sentence with it. Please continue with whatever you were doing |
| Posted by: Amy 1 June 2007 - 01:57 AM |
| You're a bunch of nuts. lol. |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 1 June 2007 - 02:14 AM |
| We know, we know. And there's nothing that can be done about it. |
| Posted by: Lothithil 1 June 2007 - 04:24 AM |
| I did my nurse's training at a hospital in Liverpool, England. My fellow students and I had little money for meals, so we ate the awful food provided at the hospital complex, and sometimes kindly visitors would give us some of the treats they had brought for patients who had not wanted to eat them. One night a woman brought a pie to the kitchen and said to me, "Would you eat this up, love?" Another student and I devoured every delicious crumb! Soon our benefactor returned, however, and asked, "Is me 'usband's pie 'ot yet, dearie?" |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 1 June 2007 - 04:41 AM | ||||||
And how did that went?
Yep that sounds British, when they say: 'Love'.
I assume 'hot yet'. Hmm, sounds like an embarrassing situation to me. Ya know, today during French class, we were making a test and uh... our French teacher has a great sense of humor. While he was walking around in class, he started to eat cookies. I noticed that and when he saw me noticing, he offered me one. Of course I accepted. So I was eating cookies in class while making a test. Than when the guy next to me said: 'Cookie.'My French teacher replied: 'Hey, don't call me that. I'm not your cookie. If we start like that...' |
| Posted by: Macs Lab Rat 1 June 2007 - 04:52 AM |
| Right. By posting after me in this thread you are agreeing to send me £872.59 and all your DVD/Videos staring Richard Dean Anderson. Either way, I win!   |
| Posted by: Macs Lab Rat 1 June 2007 - 05:51 AM |
| Now I feel mean for stopping the thread like that. I don’t want to win anymore. Winning is for losers! I retract my demand for money! (but you can still send me some and the RDA DVD's if you want to ) |
| Posted by: Lothithil 1 June 2007 - 06:01 AM |
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate... is that considered a balanced diet?  |
| Posted by: Stupid Little Genius 1 June 2007 - 06:43 AM |
| what about milk chocolate??? surely you need some of that too mmmmmm.....maltesers..... yummy.....  |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 06:51 AM |
| I like my coffee like I like my men*. In a plastic cup. *Small change in cast. |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 1 June 2007 - 07:45 AM | ||
If I start eating chocolate, I get zits.
Gimme some. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 08:02 AM |
| *tosses chocolate at MGod* |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 1 June 2007 - 08:29 AM |
| Thanks. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 08:46 AM |
| Your welcome. Should I toss you some Clearisil too? |
| Posted by: Lothithil 1 June 2007 - 09:02 AM |
| I climbed up the door Opened the stairs I said my pajamas And put on my prayers I switched off the bed And climbed in the light All because he kissed me goodnight. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 09:06 AM |
| Lothy got discomboobellated! |
| Posted by: Lothithil 1 June 2007 - 09:21 AM |
| I am the master of my unspoken words, and a slave to those that should have remained unspoken. |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 1 June 2007 - 11:33 AM | ||
No thanks I'll pinch them out. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 11:56 AM |
| OMG!! EWWWWWWWWWW! |
| Posted by: Mac 1 June 2007 - 12:02 PM | ||
(This thread is getting to be sooooooooooooooooo disgusting. )My second favourite joke: What happened when Batman and Robin got run over by the Batmobile? w a i t f o r i t They became Flatman and Ribbon! Mac |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 12:07 PM |
| A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?" The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off" "Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well,", said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook." |
| Posted by: Mac 1 June 2007 - 12:23 PM | ||
My third favourite joke!!! Mac |
| Posted by: Mac 1 June 2007 - 12:28 PM |
| Including this post, I have 177 posts left till I make DXS Operative! It's a good thing I'm extremely chatty! 400 posts or bust! Mac |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 12:31 PM | ||||
That's funny in and of itself! Two guys were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was crying, tears were pouring down his face. The other man asked, " Why are you crying?" The first one replied, " I came here for blood test." The second one asked, "So? Why are you crying? Are you afraid?" The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut my finger." Hearing this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?" Then the second guy replied, "I have come for my urine test." |
| Posted by: Mac 1 June 2007 - 12:37 PM | ||
I'm going shopping for a new SAK this weekend. No idea what model I'm going to get. Everyone, quick, try to convince me to get the model you have! Mac |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 12:48 PM | ||
Uh.... get the Climber. |
| Posted by: Mac 1 June 2007 - 01:03 PM | ||
Why? Mac not a climber  |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 01:21 PM | ||||
Why not?
I'm assuming you're not a Tinker either. |
| Posted by: Mac 1 June 2007 - 01:35 PM | ||
I'd consider myself something of a Tinker in the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irish_Traveller sense, in that I have nomadic tendencies. Mac |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 01:41 PM |
| Well, there you have it. Get the Tinker. |
| Posted by: Mac 1 June 2007 - 01:52 PM | ||
But it has a few tools that I don't use, so I'm investigating other models. I guess I'll just do like the last time and spend an hour or two at the shop opening all the attachments on all the models. I am seriously considering a USB knife, though. My to do list for this weekend is mostly at home stuff, but at the top of my 'stuff to shop for' are the SAK and... duct tape. You know you're a MacGyver addict when... Mac |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 1 June 2007 - 02:25 PM |
| Theres pictures of the SAKs with all the blades opened out in our http://www.macgyveronline.com/pages/store.html. Might be give you some idea of what your after before you get to your local store. Or you could just purchase online without even leaving your house. |
| Posted by: Mac 1 June 2007 - 02:30 PM | ||
There are some things I absolutely need to touch before I buy. One of the considerations with a SAK is its weight. I once hit someone in the head (by accident!) with my purse and their forehead collided with the SAK (a bigger model than the Super Tinker) inside. He cried. Mac |
| Posted by: Mac 1 June 2007 - 02:32 PM | ||
Oh, and there's also the cost of shipping and our exhorbitant customs charges. Mac |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 02:46 PM |
| This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in." The guy thinks for a moment and says, "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'" St. Peter, extremely impressed, says, "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?" "Er.. about two minutes ago." |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 1 June 2007 - 03:06 PM |
| Thats terrible |
| Posted by: MacNymph 1 June 2007 - 03:10 PM |
| *takes bow* |
| Posted by: Mac 2 June 2007 - 04:56 AM | ||
You and I would get along juuuuuust fine. Two blondes meet in Heaven. “How did you die?”, the first one asks. ”Oh! I died in a freezer,” the second blonde replied.” So how did you die?” The second blonde asks, “Well, I suspected my husband was having an affair, so one day when I came home early from work, I looked all over the house, trying to look for the other woman because I saw that my husband was naked. When I coming upstairs from searching the basement, I slipped and broke my neck. I never got to find that woman,” replied the first blonde. The second blonde then says, “If only you looked in the freezer, maybe we both might still have been alive!” Mac |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 2 June 2007 - 05:27 AM | ||
That's a good one. |
| Posted by: Astra 2 June 2007 - 05:57 AM |
| Okay, I also will try one though I don't know whether it translates right. Here we go: A woman bought a wardrobe for her sleeping room. But every time when the tram/trolley/streetcar/cable car (whatever you call it) came down the street the wardrobe fell to its pieces. Finally she let come someone from the furniture shop. He said "I can't see it from outside, I have to step into the wardrobe to see where exactly it fells apart when the next tram comes." So he stepped into the wardrobe. In the meantime, the women's husband came home and found the man in the wardrobe. "What are you doing in here?" "You won't believe me, but I'm waiting for the tram!" |
| Posted by: MacNymph 2 June 2007 - 07:48 AM |
 I'm guessing that didn't translate well. |
| Posted by: Astra 2 June 2007 - 07:56 AM |
| Sure you won't understand the last line when you go everywhere by your own car |
| Posted by: Sheepy 2 June 2007 - 08:03 AM |
| Well, maybe my English sucks, but I got it. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 2 June 2007 - 09:12 AM |
| Um... maybe it did translate okay and I was just looking for a more deviant punchline. |
| Posted by: Mac 2 June 2007 - 06:46 PM | ||
Mac |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 2 June 2007 - 08:11 PM |
| At lest he didn't say tramp |
| Posted by: Mac 3 June 2007 - 04:25 AM | ||
Rocky, you are so devious! So, have y'all heard the one about the aeroplane? *shakes head* Never mind, it's over your head. Mac |
| Posted by: Stupid Little Genius 3 June 2007 - 11:47 AM |
| An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them. "This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down." "I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins. The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry. The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!" |
| Posted by: Sheepy 3 June 2007 - 02:00 PM |
| I judt got nack from a night out. Caz Dance Tour was in town tonight and I had such a great time. /Ferry Corsten is so cute. I met him in real life and when he smiles he gets these dimples in his cheeks. Next to that he's a brilliant DJ. Anyaway I'm s little tipsy to respond to the joke of Sluggie, so I will try tomorrow morning (Iactually spelled "dipsy" and "Dluggie" but I noticed in time) Goodnight to all!!  |
| Posted by: Sheepy 3 June 2007 - 02:05 PM |
| What the h...???? this dancinf muppet keeps showing up while I'm not even "asking" for it??? Btw, I'm not sure I'm gettinfg your joke Sluggie (what makes it even more funny in my state of.... well, ... being -Don't block me, I'm no MEP, just had a few beers, that's all!!!!) |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 3 June 2007 - 02:28 PM |
| Maybe posting on here while drunk isn't such a good idea? |
| Posted by: MacGirl 3 June 2007 - 03:04 PM |
| OK, one of my favorite jokes: Seems a rich man died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Now, you can't just waltz into Heaven; you have to review your life to the angel standing there while St. Peter listens, and then St. Peter renders judgement on whether you can enter Heaven. So the angel looked up the man in his book and says, "Why, you never did no good for nobody nohow... why are you even standing here?" The man said, "Now, wait a minute, I've given to charity. Twenty years ago, I was walking down the street, saw a homeless man, and gave him a quarter." The angel said, "Well, that's nice, but that alone won't cut it." The man answered, "Well, ten years ago, I was riding along in my limo, when I saw a poor woman holding a sign on the corner, and I rolled down my window and gave her a quarter." The angel said, "Maybe so, but that doesn't make up for a lifetime of greed." "But don't you see," the man pleaded, "I have a consistent record here. Just last Christmas Eve, I came out of church, and, filled with the Christmas spirit, I walked across the street and put a quarter in the Salvation Army kettle." At this point, the angel threw up his hands, turned to St. Peter, and said, "What in God's name are we going to do with this man?" St. Peter scowled and said in his thunderous voice, "Give him back his seventy-five cents and tell him to go to hell." |
| Posted by: Mac 3 June 2007 - 04:56 PM | ||
Anyone else have more BAAAAAD jokes? Mac * Why were the suspenders arrested? * For holding up a pair of pants. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 3 June 2007 - 05:02 PM |
| Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assulted. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 3 June 2007 - 05:05 PM | ||||
Sorry. Had to... before you sobered up and edited them. |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 04:15 AM | ||
That was my dad's favourite joke of all time.Mac |
| Posted by: Lothithil 4 June 2007 - 04:24 AM |
| I am not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army. |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 05:19 AM | ||
Yea gods, that was BAD. Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here." Mac |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 05:33 AM |
| A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intentively on the youth's multicolored mowhawk, orange shirt, green pants and yellow shoes. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild and crazy in your life?" The man responeded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son." |
| Posted by: Lothithil 4 June 2007 - 06:10 AM |
| oh, dear.... I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do! |
| Posted by: Sheepy 4 June 2007 - 06:22 AM | ||
Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa! That one is brilliant!! |
| Posted by: Astra 4 June 2007 - 06:52 AM | ||
Quitting smoking is easy. I have done it several times already. |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 07:06 AM | ||
Mac |
| Posted by: Sheepy 4 June 2007 - 07:09 AM |
| A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bar tender can't help but wonder and calls out to the pirate: "Sir, are you aware you have a steering wheel in your pants???" And the pirate answers: "Aye, and it's drivin' me nuts!" |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 07:51 AM | ||
*snicker* Okay... in the same vein.... A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only a pair of underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Stop right there... I can clearly see your nuts." |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 08:24 AM | ||
 There has got to be more of us with bad jokes! A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Newfie were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you! We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you and then use your skins to make a canoe! The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I will take ze sword!" The chief gives him a sword and the Frenchman yells, "Viva la France!" He then runs himself through. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please!" The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out! The Newfie says, "Give me a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Newfie takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the chest, everywhere! The Newfie has blood gushing out all over! The chief is shocked. He asks the Newfie, "What are you doing?!" The Newfie replies, "So much for your canoe!" Mac (feel free to substitute any abused minority of your choice for the Newfie) |
| Posted by: Lothithil 4 June 2007 - 08:33 AM |
| *is laughing helplessly at this onslaught of truly bad jokes* A termite walks into a bar and straight up to another termite sitting on a barstool. "So," asks the new termite, "is the bar tender here?" |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 08:34 AM | ||
Take that! TWACK! |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 08:42 AM | ||
This is so much fun! Mac |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 08:45 AM |
| 159 posts to 400! (not that I'm counting or anything) Mac |
| Posted by: Lothithil 4 June 2007 - 08:45 AM |
| A dog who attends a flea circus is apt to steal the show. |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 08:55 AM | ||
Took me a minute! Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?" Mac |
| Posted by: Lothithil 4 June 2007 - 08:57 AM |
| *gasps and wipes away tears* A bicycle can’t stand on it’s own because it’s two-tired. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 09:04 AM |
| Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too". |
| Posted by: Lothithil 4 June 2007 - 09:06 AM |
| *snorts with laughter!* A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road. On its side were the letters ‘UFO”. The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him. “Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?” he asked. “No,” one of the other-worldly travelers responded, “it stands for ‘Unleaded Fuel Only.” |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 09:10 AM |
| Oh, these are terrible What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? el-if-i-no |
| Posted by: Lothithil 4 June 2007 - 09:21 AM |
| Sooo bad! A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender frowns at him and says, "We don't serve pieces of string in this bar. Get out." The piece of string goes out of the bar and begins to twist himself around, pulling on his ends until all the braided threads were sticking out in all directions. Then he goes back into the bar again and orders a drink. "Aren't you the same piece of string that I just threw out of here?" roared the irritated bartender. "No," retorted the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot." |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 09:26 AM | ||
Love that one! Punny jokes are the best!!! Mac Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles! |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 09:36 AM |
| Real quick.. before Rocky shows up. A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm. He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine" |
| Posted by: Sheepy 4 June 2007 - 09:41 AM |
| Two dumb blondes are standing on opposite sides of a street. "Excuse me," shouts one blonde to the other, "can you tell me how to get to the other side of this street?" The other yells back: "Why, you're already there?!" |
| Posted by: Sheepy 4 June 2007 - 09:48 AM |
| What's Mary short for? She's got no legs. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 10:22 AM |
| You recovered Sheepy? _______________ A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs. Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?" He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is." |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 10:22 AM | ||
I had to read that one a couple of times, then realised that I was reading it in the wrong accent. Mac |
| Posted by: Sheepy 4 June 2007 - 10:28 AM | ||
Well... I over-acted a little. In my state it was funny (I wasn't drunk, I had to work early) But erm... I guess that was a really bad "joke" from my side.... ******** In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem. The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner. ****************** Where did Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies (Now that one is BAAAAAAD) |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 10:40 AM |
| A blonde and a brunette jump off a bridge. Who lands first? The brunette, of course! (the blonde had to stop and ask for directions) Mac |
| Posted by: Astra 4 June 2007 - 10:43 AM |
| A woman went into a mixed sauna. She got embarrased and blushed when hearing two men making jokes about her - well, big backside. Another man came in and noticed her red face. He asked: "Why are you blushing?" She did not want to say why and so she told him, because her breasts are too small. He told her, she should take a piece of paper and rub it through the middle of her breast several times. She was astonished: "You think, that will help making them bigger?" "Well, it worked on your backside..." |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 11:00 AM | ||
That one never gets old! Mac |
| Posted by: Lothithil 4 June 2007 - 11:01 AM | ||||
*groans!*
How did Hitler tie his shoesies? In little Nazis! |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 11:03 AM |
| Q .. How do blonde braincells die? A .. Alone. |
| Posted by: Lothithil 4 June 2007 - 11:08 AM |
| *snicker* I almost had a psychic boyfriend... ... but he left me before we met. |
| Posted by: Sheepy 4 June 2007 - 11:14 AM |
| While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am." "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course." Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!" |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 11:18 AM |
| Ohh... that's so wrong! Stop pickin on our shrub!! |
| Posted by: Sheepy 4 June 2007 - 11:21 AM |
| Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac. *Beware, wild sheep on the loose* |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 11:23 AM |
| You'd better be careful... there's New Zealanders and Australians on this board. |
| Posted by: Sheepy 4 June 2007 - 11:25 AM | ||
As long as it's Russell it's okay. He can eh... try and get me anytime. (I'll give in after about erm... 2 seconds) The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 11:27 AM |
| Q .. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A .. She fell out of the tree. |
| Posted by: Sheepy 4 June 2007 - 11:27 AM |
| The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!" |
| Posted by: Mac 4 June 2007 - 11:42 AM | ||
Best line so far!!! Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball? Who could blame her, she had a pumpkin for a coach and was always running from the ball! Mac  |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 11:50 AM | ||
The whole premise was funny but that is hilarious! |
| Posted by: Sheepy 4 June 2007 - 11:51 AM |
| Ah since you like Bush so much, here's another one George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!" George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him. The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years! |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 12:13 PM |
| The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk. The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car. Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes. Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot. Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away. Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing. The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed. When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?" To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy." |
| Posted by: Astra 4 June 2007 - 01:21 PM |
| Two cows are standing at the pasture. One cow said "Moo!" The other cow replied, "You know, I just also was going to say that!" Uh, sorry. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 4 June 2007 - 01:39 PM |
| Q. Why dont blind men skydive? A. Because it scares the crap out of the dog |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 04:25 AM |
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:
|
| Posted by: Lothithil 5 June 2007 - 04:31 AM |
| If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 5 June 2007 - 04:39 AM | ||
That's hilarious. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 05:19 AM |
| Answering machine message: I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing. |
| Posted by: Lothithil 5 June 2007 - 06:14 AM |
| What do you call a fish with no eye ? FSH ! |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 06:24 AM |
| Another answering machine message: Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now. This is sooo me Just noticed - my husband left me a message on the answering machine. I noticed because he sent me a mail to check the answering machine |
| Posted by: Mac 5 June 2007 - 06:25 AM | ||
I should have seen that one coming a mile away! Two nuns are driving along in a car when a vampire lands on their hood. The first nun shouts to the second nun, "Quick, show it your cross!" So the second nun leans out the window and shouts, "Get the heck off of my car you freak!" Mac (hmm... the sanitized version without the big swear word doesn't seem as effective) |
| Posted by: MacNymph 5 June 2007 - 06:57 AM | ||
*wipes tear from eye* OMG I don't know why but that one struck me very well. That's the first time I actually laughed out loud at one of these. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 07:10 AM |
| The laws of golf, part 1 LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime. LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former. LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down. LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man. LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls. LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? |
| Posted by: MacNymph 5 June 2007 - 08:05 AM |
| A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammals their throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah" The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him." |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 09:10 AM |
| The laws of golf, part 2 LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse. LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination. LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed. LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three). LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty. LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker." LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you. LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be. LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month. LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset. |
| Posted by: Lothithil 5 June 2007 - 09:11 AM | ||
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested? He was charged with battery. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 09:39 AM |
| An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin] The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!" |
| Posted by: thyla 5 June 2007 - 09:52 AM |
Groan   |
| Posted by: Astra 5 June 2007 - 10:02 AM |
| The nurse to the doctor: "The malingerer from room 17 has died yesterday." "Well, now he is exaggerating!" |
| Posted by: MacNymph 5 June 2007 - 10:32 AM |
| Another I just don't get. Somebody 'splain me!! |
| Posted by: Astra 5 June 2007 - 10:34 AM |
| I give up *throws hands up in despair* Malingerer? The doctor thought he only was malingering? But he died, so apparently he wasn't... My dictionary says malingerer, anyway. If there is another word - I'm happy to learn! *hides again* |
| Posted by: MacNymph 5 June 2007 - 10:41 AM | ||
I'm sorry Astra! I'm not trying to be difficult. (in this particular instance)I know a lot of words and I had to look that word up. I'm thinking either it should be replaced with hypochondriac, or exaggerating should be replaced with faking. Or both.Loth... weigh in please. Help us! |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 11:10 AM |
| A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?" "No" her mother replied. "Well, I think I have to throw up!" "Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her mother asked. "Yes" the little girl replied. "Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?" "I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'." |
| Posted by: Lothithil 5 June 2007 - 11:12 AM |
| Now now, my childrens... words are a gift from the gods .... but then again, so was fire... A person who fakes an illness can be said to be a hypochondriac, so just substitute that word for 'malingerer'. We Americans would recognize this word more easily that malingerer. In our syllabus, a malingerer is a general time-waster or an idler. The word works in your joke, but it just makes us Americans scratch our heads and think, which is sometimes difficult for us! Don't give up on us, Astra... diversity is spice! |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 11:15 AM |
| Sign seen near church "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!" |
| Posted by: MacNymph 5 June 2007 - 11:18 AM | ||||
*scratches head* Huh?
Yeah, Astra, don't give up. I like scratching my head... keeps the nits on their toes. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 5 June 2007 - 11:20 AM |
| I don't eat sausage anymore... not since this commercial: The eggs are from a chicken... The milk is from a cow... The sausage is from Jimmy Dean. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 11:20 AM |
| An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets." |
| Posted by: Astra 5 June 2007 - 11:21 AM | ||||
Well, I beg to differ. I think a hypochondriac does not fake on purpose but instead really feels ill and maybe even might have symptoms you just can't place. He doesn't believe if you tell him he is in good health. He only needs to read about a new illness and then thinks he has it. But a malingerer is faking on purpose, maybe for getting a day off from work or school. At least that's my opinion. So you can say "overacting" instead of "exaggerating", maybe that would be better?
|
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 11:23 AM |
| Sign seen near church "Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday." |
| Posted by: MacNymph 5 June 2007 - 11:23 AM | ||
Yes! But 95% of us are still going to have to look up malingererererer. |
| Posted by: Sheepy 5 June 2007 - 11:24 AM |
 Just wanted to post a pic of my second fav weather type. I'm always intrigued by thunderstorms and lightning... |
| Posted by: Astra 5 June 2007 - 11:27 AM | ||
So did I - we're even, then (And I feel like talking as Teal'c does ) |
| Posted by: MacNymph 5 June 2007 - 11:30 AM | ||
Indeed? |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 11:32 AM | ||
Your second favorite? I can see the beauty of it - as long as it's in pictures others have made. I hate lightning, it scares me BUT... there have come some good things out of thunderstorms... My firstborn was concieved that way. NO, God had nothing to do with it I just needed some comforting, and one leads to another... Nine months later we became parents  |
| Posted by: Sheepy 5 June 2007 - 11:40 AM |
| I was about 10 years old when I was on holiday with my parents and I went to get them for a party in the canteen of the bungalow park. It was night, about 9 pm (when you're 10 it's night) There was an awful thunderstorm raging outside and I had to cross a little playfield when there was a flash as bright as broad daylight. Really, no exaggerating here, I could see everything!!! Lightning had struck about 20 meters away from me. Almost at the same time this very, very VERY loud thunder came rolling after it. Never had been that scared in my life! After that I've had a fear of thunderstorms, but over the last few years I've become really fascinated by it. And I really love the smell of a thunderstorm hanging in the air. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 11:43 AM |
| I want to curl up in a room without windows, when there is a thunderstorm. But the house we live in now, there is no such room. So I'm forced to be *brave*. Lucky me, I don't have to be alone. It is fascintaing, alright. But I prefer thunderstorms on Discovery Channel or National Geographic |
| Posted by: MacNymph 5 June 2007 - 12:15 PM | ||
My dogs do that. |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 5 June 2007 - 12:50 PM | ||
Yep gotta love negative ions in the air Go to a waterfall.. you get the same "smell" I love natures very own sound and light show. |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 5 June 2007 - 01:01 PM | ||
Yep gotta love negative ions in the air Go to a waterfall.. you get the same "smell" I love natures very own sound and light show. |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 5 June 2007 - 01:10 PM | ||
Well I'll be, that's a pretty sight. That must've caused a massive thunderstrike. I enjoy to walk around in the house home alone in the middle of night during a thunderstorm. I always like playing the Back to the Future theme than or Sahara. Maybe that would've made the first scene more intense. But for thunderstorms, the powers of nature, I like to stay up late. And it seems that they're increasing. I mean how can people be afraid of that? It's so fascinating. Sometimes I just wish it would strike something in the neighborhood. One of the churchtowers or something or a tree. Something where people cannot get hurt. It's something I like to use in my stories as well, it makes things darker and more foreboding. 'I felt like in an old movie, sounds of rain and thunder, flashes of lightning and me working all alone on a top secret project.' |
| Posted by: MacNymph 5 June 2007 - 04:50 PM |
| How many group posters does it take to change a light bulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 53 to flame the spell checkers 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp" 15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy" 109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped 111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too" 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three" 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ 44 to ask what is a "FAQ" 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs" 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again... __________________ Ahhhhh.. days gone by, aye Rocky? |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 5 June 2007 - 06:15 PM |
| eesh... That brought back some memories I've been trying to repress for quite some time. Q. How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A. One... but the light bulb has to want to change. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 5 June 2007 - 06:40 PM |
| *groans* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 5 June 2007 - 10:42 PM |
| Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. |
| Posted by: Amy 6 June 2007 - 03:00 AM | ||
lol...I refrained from quoting the entire post so as not to be one of those 33.... That said... Didja come up with that all by yourself Nymphy? That was just too funny! |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 03:03 AM | ||
Mac |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 03:06 AM | ||
Astra, the joke was perfect. Here is the exact definition of malingerer from the dictionary most used in the US (Merriam-Webster): Malinger: to pretend or exaggerate incapacity or illness (emphasis mine) Mac |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 03:37 AM |
| Teal'c and indeed Has anyone ever wondered? I did the count on indeed, as part of a language analysis of Stargate SG1, seasons 1-9. Indeed amusing and surprising. Counting through seasons 1 to 9, indeed is said 165 times. Teal'c says it only 128 times. But in 23 cases he uses the word indeed within a sentence. That leaves 105 cases where Teal'c uses the word indeed as a sentence. In season 1 Teal'c didn't say the word even once, though it is uttered 5 times. The first time Teal'c uses the word is in the season two episode The Tok’ra, part 1. And the second time is in Holiday, where Teal'c inside O'Neill uses the word once. But the use of the word in these two circumstances is within a sentence. The word is indeed used properly. In the first season he only nodded, through the 2nd season he once added sound to his nods – the word indeed. After season two he increases the use of utterance while nodding. In season 3 he does it 4 times. In season 4, 6 times. In season 5 it is 8 times. In season 6 he really takes the word into use, he says it 16 times, plus 4 times within a sentence. In season 7 he has gotten so much used to saying indeed with a nod that he does that 22 times. The use of the word tops in season 8, here he says it 28 times, and twice within a sentence. After O'Neill leaves the show, Teal'c "degenerates" into the more silent guy he used to be, yet he can't go all the way back to who he once was, so he continues saying indeed when he nods, he just doesn't say it that often. It is only uttered 23 times, including the 2 times it is "the other" Tealc in Ripple Effect who says it. For obvious reasons I can't include season 10 in this analysis – yet. |
| Posted by: Lothithil 6 June 2007 - 04:17 AM |
| Nymphy... the litebülb joke... Kudos to EH for the Noah the Financier, too What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a Pitt Bull? Lipstick |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 04:39 AM |
| Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 6 June 2007 - 05:02 AM |
| Define irony: Having a cold while it's almost summer. |
| Posted by: Sheepy 6 June 2007 - 05:56 AM |
| Aaah poor MG! (((MacGyverGod))) What are kudos? Never understood that really... |
| Posted by: Lothithil 6 June 2007 - 06:01 AM |
| From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Kudos (IPA pronunciation: ['kju:dɒs]['ku:dɒs]), from the Greek κύδος kydos (literally "that which is heard of") means fame and renown resulting from an act or achievement; by extension is often used as a praising remark. It entered English as British university slang in the early 1800s. See also Props. I don't feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. --Galileo |
| Posted by: Sheepy 6 June 2007 - 06:10 AM |
| Love your citations, or should I say quotes ( ) Loth!!! Keep 'em coming! |
| Posted by: Lothithil 6 June 2007 - 06:13 AM |
| ((((Sheepy)))) This is one of my favourite 'MacGyver-y' mantras: "I'd rather do something and fail than do nothing and succeed!" |
| Posted by: Sheepy 6 June 2007 - 06:16 AM | ||
  Yay! That one kicks butt Like it's better to be regret the things you've done than to regret things you've never done. Or something along those lines. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 6 June 2007 - 07:37 AM | ||
No, but screen names popped into my head for every instance. I wanted to add: 32 to suggest what a pleasure it would be to have RDA change that light bulb. *groans* |
| Posted by: MacNymph 6 June 2007 - 07:39 AM | ||
There you go Astra! The joke made perfect sense to Mac. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 6 June 2007 - 07:41 AM |
| The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 07:43 AM | ||
Yes, and I was tickled pink (and impressed!) to see someone use 'malinger' properly!!! So, Astra, don't let the nincompoops (*DUCKS*) stop you from sharing your funny jokes!  Mac |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 08:33 AM |
| Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. |
| Posted by: Lothithil 6 June 2007 - 08:41 AM |
| I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. -Voltaire |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 08:43 AM |
| Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. |
| Posted by: Lothithil 6 June 2007 - 08:57 AM |
| If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy! |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 09:02 AM |
| A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.' |
| Posted by: MacNymph 6 June 2007 - 09:04 AM | ||||
I knew you'd misinterpret that as a positive statement. |
| Posted by: Lothithil 6 June 2007 - 09:06 AM | ||
*looks up* Where? |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 09:06 AM | ||
No, I knew you were making fun of me, hence why I called you a nincompoop.  Quote of the day, completely unrelated: There is a difference in knowing the path and walking the path. Mac feeling esoteric |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 09:08 AM | ||||
Look in the mirror and you'll see a quack. Mac having one of THOSE days |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 09:13 AM | ||||
Sometimes, Nymphy, it is quite elucidating to look up a certain word |
| Posted by: Lothithil 6 June 2007 - 09:23 AM |
| There's no quack in my mirror... it's brand-new! There is, however, some funny-looking chic who keeps talking to herself... obviously deranged! |
| Posted by: MacNymph 6 June 2007 - 09:37 AM | ||||
Do those days usually end with you getting punched in the mouth?
Every word I don't know, I look up. Really wouldn't expect to because of a joke, but I did. I guess it just wasn't funny to me. 2 for 2 Astra... come on... give me another shot! |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 09:43 AM | ||
 I try to associate with people who resolve their issues with their mouth, not their fists.... Try being the imperative word. Mac |
| Posted by: MacNymph 6 June 2007 - 09:51 AM |
| A necessity more than a preference I’m guessing. |
| Posted by: Astra 6 June 2007 - 09:54 AM |
| I think I never ever will forget the word malingerer now, and the word nincompoop (though I never heard that before either), too. Nice way to improve my English Thanks Mac, for laughing about my jokes Two old men were sitting at a bench in a park. A pretty young girl was passing by. One man said: "Oh, I want to be twenty again!" The other one replied: "Are you nuts? Having to work for another forty plus years - for only ten minutes of fun?!?" |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 10:12 AM | ||
I like a good joke, what can I say. Mac who wouldn't want to be 20 again either... |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 10:23 AM |
| I WIN - I WIN I win a promotion. This is my 200th post. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 6 June 2007 - 10:27 AM | ||
Got it... humorous... impressed with the ten minutes. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 10:29 AM |
| Sign seen near church How will you spend eternity Smoking or Non-smoking? |
| Posted by: Sheepy 6 June 2007 - 10:31 AM |
| I just quit recently |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 10:34 AM |
| Sign seen near church If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns. |
| Posted by: MacNymph 6 June 2007 - 10:35 AM |
| What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 10:43 AM |
| Sign seen near church If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd. |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 10:47 AM | ||
My boss just came around to introduce her new boss to all of us. Instead of working I was no, not posting to MOL , but stripping a paperclip with my SAK to give me something with which to repair my mechanical pencil.Just before entering my cubicle, my boss said to her boss: "This is Mac, she--" *enters and sees what I'm doing. "Erm, she fixes things." Her boss doesn't miss a beat. "Can you come look at my printer?" Colleague steps in: "Mac can fix a printer with a rubber band and a paperclip!" Meanwhile, I'm sitting here not knowing if I should be laughing, crawling under my desk, or looking for a new job. Mac  |
| Posted by: Sheepy 6 June 2007 - 10:51 AM |
| Wow, I'm impressed! No, jealous even! That's the recognition we all would love to get someday!!! |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 10:53 AM | ||
WAUW A real MacGyver fan, recognized by people who know her. |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 10:54 AM | ||
But that's what's so embarrassing--I'm a one trick pony! I mean, you fix the printer a few times with a paper clip and a rubber band for the SAME problem and next thing you know you can fix anything??? Oh, well, what they don't know won't hurt them. Mac |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 11:00 AM | ||
You got the idea the first time!!!!!!!!! What makes you think you can't get a new idea the next time there is a new problem? You'll just fix it Have a little confidence  |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 11:04 AM | ||
Not nescessarily I just got a bunch of those But, hey, keep 'em coming |
| Posted by: Sheepy 6 June 2007 - 11:04 AM | ||||
My colleagues only make fun of me for my Mac obsession, but I don't care, I've been through worse in my life. I can handle a few pathetic boys. I am known for improvising things in tricky situations tho. Not as good as fixing printers with a paperclip and elastic band. And you're absolutely right, what they don't know won't hurt them! |
| Posted by: Everhappy 6 June 2007 - 11:07 AM |
| Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created 10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote. 8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him. 7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone! And the #1 reason why God created Eve... 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!" |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 11:25 AM | ||
I don't lack confidence, just finesse. I'm the kind who can fix her pipes... after setting her house on fire a couple of times. Mac |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 11:28 AM | ||
Mac |
| Posted by: Astra 6 June 2007 - 11:46 AM |
| The doctor says to the patient "I'm going to prescribe mud packs for you." "And you think, that will help me?" "No, but you are already getting used to the smell." (For Nymphy: He was very, very ill) |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 12:28 PM |
| I'm meeting one of my friends for dinner tonight at our favourite restaurant and she just emailed to tell me she'd me directly there, using the name of the restaurant. Which she spelled wrong, as she usually does, and I rebuked her, as I always do. "Stop picking on me! It's the hardest word in the English language to spell! How come you have it memorized?!" Our favourite restaurant's name? The Phoenix. She usually leaves out the o, but sometimes it's the Pheonix, the Pheenix, the Fenix, the Feenichs (no kidding), etc. I adore her. Mac now, if a favourite show could just teach me how to spell 'pharaoh' and life will be much easier... |
| Posted by: MacGyverGod 6 June 2007 - 12:34 PM |
| Maybe she pronounces it as Foenix. |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 12:50 PM | ||
I think it's the OE that gives her the hardest time. Whatever it is, it makes me laugh. Mac mmm... 1.5 hours left till I sit before a plate of the best squid in town |
| Posted by: Sheepy 6 June 2007 - 12:56 PM |
Talking about phoenix... I'm one of the fruit cakes who will be wearing a phoenix foundation t shirt  |
| Posted by: Mac 6 June 2007 - 01:03 PM | ||
While I'll be the one carrying her SAK and duct tape in a Phoenix Foundation tote bag. A sales rep, an admin clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an old oil lamp. They rub it and out pops a Genie. The Genie says, "I usually grant three wishes, so I'll give you all one each." "Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, and you?" the Genie asks the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office by 2pm." Mac (hey at least she gave them a couple of hours!) |
| Posted by: MacNymph 6 June 2007 - 01:57 PM | ||
Yeah, Yakov, I hear ya. I'm thinking the punchline should be something closer to "No, but you need to start getting used to the smell." |
| Posted by: Sheepy 7 June 2007 - 02:06 AM |
| Victor Reinier, the actor wit wife and mistress is getting divorced... Something that was waiting to happen. I'll see him Tuesday, I wonder how he's taking it. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 7 June 2007 - 03:31 AM |
| I guess I've got too many religious jokes. So I'll go to the medical ones. A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone." |
| Posted by: Amy 7 June 2007 - 03:35 AM | ||
Indeed. lol...wonder if anyone ever did this for "fascinating" in Star Trek OS. And, MG...it is a cruel cruel irony, indeed. I have a cold as well. I got it after spending 3 hours searching in the cold rain for MacTyger on Sunday after he got out of the house through a broken screen. I also have poison ivy..which is no fun. I react badly to it. I think I might hold the record for getting it, too. I've had it as late as November and as early as March. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 7 June 2007 - 03:56 AM | ||||
Do you know where I can get the scripts? Could be fascinating to do a language analysis
It's normal for me to catch a cold in the middle of a heatvawe in August I tell ya that's no fun Shaking with cold, and it's 30+ in the shade (if you find any) How to avoid it: Don't stay up till 3 in the morning with all the windows open and nothing to wear Comes August I've forgotten |
| Posted by: Mac 7 June 2007 - 05:24 AM | ||
MacTyger is such a great name for a cat! I hope you found him! Mac |
| Posted by: Mac 7 June 2007 - 06:18 AM |
| I win! I win! Mac |
| Posted by: Sheepy 7 June 2007 - 06:23 AM |
| Sorry to burst your bubble there Mac! |
| Posted by: Mac 7 June 2007 - 06:30 AM | ||
I still win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Mac |
| Posted by: Stupid Little Genius 7 June 2007 - 06:38 AM |
| no you don't.... I DO MWAHAHAHAHA |
| Posted by: Everhappy 7 June 2007 - 07:02 AM |
| Nope Everybody I intend to win this one |
| Posted by: Mac 7 June 2007 - 07:04 AM | ||
Never underestimate Canadian tenacity! I'll win this even if I have to use up all my duct tape to do so!  Mac |
| Posted by: Sheepy 7 June 2007 - 07:05 AM |
| Woooo... why all those boxing smilies?! Looking for a fight? Bring it on! Mu Tai sheepy was here, yiiiihaaa! |
| Posted by: Everhappy 7 June 2007 - 07:08 AM | ||
Nor Faroese stubbornness!!! |
| Posted by: Sheepy 7 June 2007 - 07:10 AM |
| Ahem... who on earth decided to let miss Hilton out of jail after only -what??- 2 days??? It's so unfair. If any of us had pulled that stunt we'd lose our driver's license for a year and get detention -which we would no way get out of!- |
| Posted by: Everhappy 7 June 2007 - 07:33 AM | ||
Excuse me??? Do you mind telling the whole story? What has *lovely* miss Hilton done (now)? |
| Posted by: Sheepy 7 June 2007 - 07:36 AM |
| Well miss Hilton was caught drinking and driving so they confiscated her driver's license. Miss Hilton though thought she could still drive to work and she was caught driving at night, without her lights on while her driver's license was still at the police station (or wherever) She was sentenced to 45 days detention (in a normal jail) but they reduced it to 25. Now she was let out after only 2. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 7 June 2007 - 07:39 AM |
| Wauw, wish I had that kind of fame and wealth - to do what ever I want and get away with it. No. I don't mean that. I'm perfectly happy being a nobody in that context That's why I'm Everhappy |
| Posted by: Mac 7 June 2007 - 08:31 AM | ||
Wow, that was educational! I had to Google 'Faroese' to see if it had anything to do with the Faroe Islands, which it apparently does.... All this to say that you live in the Faroe Islands??? That is so cool. I've never 'met' a Faroese before. When I can I come visit? I'll sleep in the backyard. Mac |
| Posted by: Astra 7 June 2007 - 08:57 AM |
| *points Mac to Everhappys profile where it says - Location: Currently Belgium* |
| Posted by: Mac 7 June 2007 - 08:59 AM | ||
'Currently Belgium', which means that she's not always there, which means that she could be from somewhere else. I mean, my profile will soon say 'currently California.' Mac |
| Posted by: Lothithil 7 June 2007 - 09:01 AM |
| *steps in for the win...* How many roads must a man walk down ...before he admits that he's lost? |
| Posted by: Mac 7 June 2007 - 09:27 AM |
| Do y'all know what the problem is with political jokes? . . . . . . They keep on getting electing! Mac |
| Posted by: Lothithil 7 June 2007 - 09:31 AM |
| You know, if voting could really change things, it would be illegal! |
| Posted by: Mac 7 June 2007 - 09:45 AM | ||
Oh, now that's CYNICAL. Mac |
| Posted by: Lothithil 7 June 2007 - 10:59 AM |
| Ya think? Oops... I did it again! Sounds like I need to go and sit in the daisy-patch for a while, eh? |
| Posted by: Mac 7 June 2007 - 11:16 AM | ||
Hey, I wasn't disagreeing with you! Mac |
| Posted by: Everhappy 7 June 2007 - 11:32 AM | ||||
The long story about me - can't put it in the profile, too many characters. I was born on the Faroe Islands, lived there for about four years. Then the whole family moved to Greenland for about 1 year. Then we all moved to Denmark. I lived in the same city for about 19 years. Then I met my husband, and moved in with him. Two years ago tha plant my husband worked at was designated for outsourcing - the Americans wanted it moved to Belgium. We decided to move with it. My husband got a three year contract. That's why I wrote 'currently Belgium' in my profile. We are only staying short-term. We will definitely leave Belgium in about two years from now. The big question will be, where are we going next. Back to Denmark? Or maybe move on to the US? Or maybe to Shanghai? It all depends on where my husband can get a job next.
Yeah, you can come visit. I have a guestroom in Belgium And whereever we'll settle down the next time, we'll have a guestroom again |
| Posted by: Astra 7 June 2007 - 11:44 AM |
| I don't have a guest room but I can pull out my couch and turn it into a bed |
| Posted by: Everhappy 7 June 2007 - 12:05 PM |
| Actually it's not a guestroom it's a guestsuite The house we live in is very big. And there is an annexe, a former rather large office, but I transformed it into a nice suite. There is a bedroom, a TV room and even a dining room But... there is no runing water in there, so no kitchen and no bathroom. It's only a rented house, so we can't just make such "adjustments" I've told my husband that this is the first and the last time we live in a rented house No more rents, next time we buy or build. Then we can do what we want |
| Posted by: MacNymph 7 June 2007 - 02:00 PM | ||
I’m sure the mistress is consoling him. |
| Posted by: Mac 7 June 2007 - 02:50 PM | ||
Interesting story! You're lucky to have lived in so many places! I had the craziest idea--wouldn't it be fun if all of we MOL members opened up our couches, guest rooms/suites, backyards, etc. to other MOL members who might just happen to be traveling through their neck of the woods? It just seems like a 'MacGyvery' thing to do. I was part of a network like that in the dueSouth fandom. I wasn't traveling too much then, but I did offer my bedroll to someone once and sacked out on someone else's couch. I have a couch for an overnight guest, and a spare room I can convert for a longer staying guest who is interesting in visiting Canada's capital and surrounding area. Mac |
| Posted by: Astra 7 June 2007 - 10:38 PM |
| That's a great idea! Last year when the soccer worldcup took place in Germany I heard of one man that had thirty people from all over the world in his backyard that slept in tents. He also was part of an internet network where they share places, just for low travelling costs. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 7 June 2007 - 10:43 PM | ||||
I'm in. Sounds interesting and fun - meeting new people this way, with common interests.
I'll come by one day How big is the spare room? Large enough for a family of 5, maybe 6? |
| Posted by: Mac 8 June 2007 - 03:29 AM | ||
Downtown Toronto was shut tight on 9-11 and there was a problem with accomodation for some tourists who couldn't leave, but had no place to stay. So, through my online network, I heard of six or seven people who were stuck in a strange country during scary times and who were basically on the streets. I invited them to my place, an hour and a half away by bus, and let them sack out on my living room, hallway, kitchen, and bedroom floors for almost a week. It was hysterical--my apartment was tiny so at night you had to 'body hurdle' to get to the bathroom because there was no room to walk around anyone. Once they all left, I was so much more appreciative of my apartment, which felt huge now that it was empty. Mac |
| Posted by: Mac 8 June 2007 - 03:38 AM | ||
There's room for one person... but only if that person is willing to help me move some furniture out of there. Hence why I offer the couch for short stays. Mac |
| Posted by: Mac 8 June 2007 - 04:48 AM |
I win again!!!!!!!! Mac |
| Posted by: Lothithil 8 June 2007 - 06:02 AM |
| I haven't fought my way to the top of the food-chain to become a vegetarian! |
| Posted by: Everhappy 8 June 2007 - 06:54 AM |
| Can't resist the urge, have to post this one: When Hell freezes over A true story. A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however wrote the following: First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. #1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. #2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during Freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic. The student got the only A. |
| Posted by: Stupid Little Genius 8 June 2007 - 06:57 AM |
| lets give a great big warm welcome to goldie!!!! yay!! he's happy right now^^ swimming round the tank says hi to bubbles and angel making new friends... he's not to sure of sponge bob though |
| Posted by: Everhappy 8 June 2007 - 07:01 AM | ||
What a shame And Canada isn't bridged with Europe, so I wont take the car and the tenttrailer along |
| Posted by: MacNymph 8 June 2007 - 07:05 AM | ||
You got a new fish Sluggie? Is that Goldie 2? |
| Posted by: Stupid Little Genius 8 June 2007 - 07:14 AM |
| hehehe yeah^^ he's black and orange (although when we were bringing him home he lost all his black... and looks kinda green ) He's goldie the first it's squirt and smokie and are swimming in the big fish pound in the sky.... |
| Posted by: MacNymph 8 June 2007 - 07:23 AM |
| that's sad. But... just think.. there's all the worms and flake they could ever want. Annnnd.... they won't bonk there noses every 15 gallons. P.S.... Uh... whose the we in "we"? |
| Posted by: Stupid Little Genius 8 June 2007 - 07:47 AM |
| hahahaha weee.... no i don't have spilt personallies... i meant me, the fish, and my mum (who gave me a lift to the shop to get the fish and the new filter becauae the old one stopped working in the night, and an air pump to run the big dorry fish from finding nemo who's mouth opens and closes with air bubbles...) and breath... yeah.... no bonking noses... i always feel bad when they do that... |
| Posted by: Lothithil 8 June 2007 - 08:35 AM |
| What does a fish say when he runs into a wall? Ouch! Welcome to the fishbowl, goldie! |
| Posted by: Mac 8 June 2007 - 09:14 AM | ||
Perhaps you could send the car and trailer ahead on a freighter? Mac |
| Posted by: Sheepy 8 June 2007 - 10:29 AM |
| I would love to visit Canada someday. I had almost lived in Toronto. |
| Posted by: Everhappy 8 June 2007 - 10:45 AM |
| Maybe my husband can get a job in Canada next... Who knows |
| Posted by: Mac 8 June 2007 - 10:46 AM | ||
Toronto sucks and is not a good embassador for Canada. Count yourself lucky to not have had to move there. Come to Ottawa, though. Great town!!! Mac |
| Posted by: Mac 8 June 2007 - 10:56 AM | ||
Make sure to investigate your options since we have such a huge country with different climates and landscapes and cultures and costs of living. Mac |
| Posted by: Lothithil 8 June 2007 - 11:03 AM |
| What can you sit on, sleep on, and brush your teeth with? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush! |
| Posted by: Mac 8 June 2007 - 11:08 AM | ||
Okay, now that was BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mac |
| Posted by: MacNymph 8 June 2007 - 11:21 AM |
| A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'. |
| Posted by: Sheepy 8 June 2007 - 11:24 AM | ||||
Is Toronto that bad? I had heard it had a bit of a European feel to it. I had applied for a job there and was -this close- to being hired. But when all the final forms had to be filled out the manager somehow disappeared??? |
| Posted by: Mac 8 June 2007 - 11:31 AM | ||
Montreal and Quebec City feel European. Toronto is cold, soulless, callous, and pompous. The only reason I visit is because my best friend moved there, unfortunately. I can have a good time in Toronto now, but give me Chicago, Ottawa, or Montreal any day. Mac |
| Posted by: Mac 8 June 2007 - 11:33 AM | ||
Mac |
| Posted by: Sheepy 8 June 2007 - 12:13 PM |
| Too bad,... I have friends living in Missisauga and I would soooo love to visit your country! Btw, Miss Hilton is ordered back to jail. |
| Posted by: Astra 8 June 2007 - 12:27 PM |
| She is? Now that is what Germans call "into the potatoes, out of the potatoes" and no, you don't have to understand that. It has something to do with the farmer not being able to decide whether or not to start the harvest. Some men wanted to visit their coworker at the hospital. They asked the nurse at the desk "Please can you tell us in which room lays the man that had gotten overrun by a steamroller?" "Rooms 13 till 17." And another steamroller joke: Call at the hospital: "We have an emergency, our co-worker has gotten overrun by a steamroller!" "Okay, just fax him over!" |
| Posted by: MacNymph 8 June 2007 - 12:42 PM |
| Awful! It's better to love a short man than not a tall. |
| Posted by: Mac 8 June 2007 - 01:30 PM | ||
Mississauga is typical suburbia, but it's a good launching place to visit Toronto (which you do have to visit once in your life) as well as the 'Golden Horseshoe' area which includes the famed Niagara Falls. I'd reply to other posts individually, but I think it's silly that I have to waste 1 minute between posts, so here goes: Astra and your steamroller jokes: (especially the rooms one)Nymphy and your height joke: GROAN (and )Mac |
| Posted by: Astra 8 June 2007 - 10:11 PM |
| *is encouraged by Mac's laughter to toss out jokes wildly* A man wanted to ride through the desert and bought a camel. The seller said, "This camel is very easy to handle. If you say 'oy', it will start to walk. If you say 'oy-oy' it will walk a little faster. And if you say 'oy-oy-oy', it will run." The man took off with his camel and only after he had left the seller realized that he had forgotten to tell him to stop the camel with the word "Amen." So, the man had said "Oy!" and the camel had walked slowly. After a while the man said "Oy-oy!" and the camel walked a little faster. Then he decided a little speed was nice and said "Oy-oy-oy!" and the camel was flying over the sand. After a while he saw an abyss in the distance and tried to stop the camel but nothing worked. At last, when the abyss was very near and he did not think he ever would make it, he did a desperate last prayer. When he ended with "Amen!" the camel put in the brakes and stood - one foot before the abyss. The man looked down and said, "Oy-oy-oy, that is deep!" |
| Posted by: MacGyverOnline 8 June 2007 - 10:24 PM | ||||
Good!!
Mom...Mom... It's not right... I'm to rich to go to jail.... |
| Posted by: Everhappy 8 June 2007 - 11:40 PM |
| As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober" |
| Posted by: Mac 9 June 2007 - 04:20 AM | ||
A classic! Mac |