Author's note: If you are not reading my story 'Jack?', (shame on you) the only thing you need to know is that Jack O'Neill and MacGyver are really one in the same person. Set after Hammond and SG-1 find out about Jack's past as MacGyver.
~~ Not serious just fun. ~~
* * * * * "Sir?"
"Colonel, Enter. Thank you for coming." The General began as Jack entered. "I need to ask you about this expense voucher you have submitted."
The General handed the paper to Jack who looked at it, rolled his eyes, and sighed. "General, it was necessary."
"Don't kid a kidder son. You don't pay this amount of money for . . . "
"Sir, perhaps I should explain the circumstances." Jack began to retell the prior week's events.
* * Flashback * *
"So, If I can just figure out how to fix the conductivity in this sector of the gate's systems, it should theoretically work." Sam explained to Jack as they worked in her lab.
"I think I can jury-rig something temporary, at least while we test it." Jack replied.
"Sir, with all due respect we can't 'jury-rig' the gate." Sam sounded exasperated.
"Major, I do believe time is of the essence. We need to get the gate-up and running as soon as possible." Jack said.
Sam looked at him with an indulgent smile, "Sir . . . "
"Besides, aren't you the one who said to get the gate running you 'MacGyvered' a DHD?" He gave a look trying hard not to laugh.
"Well, if you are going to throw everything I say back in my face. . . " She smiled letting the sentence drop. She gestured to him, "when in Rome . . . or with MacGyver. . . "
"Sweet!" Jack reached down in to one of the drawers and pulled out a nearly empty roll of Duct Tape. "Damn, I'll need more than this if we are going to pull this off and I don't have anymore in my office." He ran his hand through his hair. "I guess I'll just have to run down to supply. Be right back."
Jack went down to supply.
"What? Oh, for crying out loud. What do you mean you don't have any duct tape?" Jack was frustrated. "How can you not have duct tape?"
"I am sorry, sir. We requisitioned it, but none has been delivered yet." The poor Supply Sergeant tried to explain.
Jack then took a walk to the maintenance department.
"Don't you even have one roll I can borrow?" Jack was really getting frustrated. "It is really important I get some."
"I'm sorry, Sir. I hear you, really. We've been out of duct tape for several days now. I am not sure what we will do until the shipment arrives." The airman commiserated.
Jack then found his way to the upper gateroom by the dialing computers.
"Sgt. Sillar, I knew I could count on you." Jack beamed.
Sillar opened his bag and pulled out a roll of duct tape that was nearly empty and handed it to the Colonel. Jack's smile fell.
"Sorry, sir. It's all I have."
Feeling defeated Jack returned to Carter's Lab.
"You get it, sir?" Carter asked.
"Just one roll with little more than we already had." Jack sighed. "Have you had any luck?"
"Well, I have gotten as far as I can go. The rest is up to you." She explained. "I'll get back to working on the permanent fix and leave the MacGyvering to the expert." She smiled.
"Fine, you do that." He said sarcastically giving her the O'Neill look. "Guess, I have to go into Colorado Springs to buy some."
Jack left the base and started driving into town. Just down the road from the base's entrance was a Seven-Eleven. He pulled into the parking lot.
He went in and searched for some duct tape. Not finding any he went up to the counter. There was a teenager about nineteen years-old talking on the phone.
"Excuse me. Do you have any duct tape?" He asked.
The kid started laughing.
"What?" Jack asked surprised. "Duct tape is very useful."
The kid just started laughing harder.
Jack left muttering something about the kid being related to Senator Kinsley.
He began to drive again. This time he stopped when he saw a Home Depot in a small strip mall. He was sure the store would have some duct tape.
He went in and setout in search of some Duct Tape. He didn't have any luck. He decided to try asking again. He went up to the customer service desk.
"Excuse me, I haven't been able to find the duct tape. Do you have any?"
"Very funny. Hardy, har, har, har." The man sneered and turned his back on him.
"Hey, I want to know if you have Duct tape!" Jack was getting irritated.
Jack wasn't in the mood for this. He decided to go to the Hechinger's near his house. Surely, the hardware store would have his elusive duct tape.
When he arrived at the hardware store he went immediately to the back, third isle, three paces from the end. He shifted his eyes two-thirds of the way up the shelves and put his hand out to grab a roll, only to find out there wasn't any there. He looked again. He was sure this is where they kept the duct tape.
Jack checked the signs, to make sure they hadn't reorganized since he had been in last. He had been off world for the last few weeks, so they would have had time. No, nothing had been moved.
Jack went up to the manager's office and knocked.
"Come-in" Jack walked in and closed the door. "Oh, hey Mac. You come in for one of your special orders?"
Jack rolled his eyes when the man called him Mac.
"Sorry, Jack." He smiled. "Some habits are hard to break."
"No problem, Don. I'm not here for anything special. I just need to get a case of Duct Tape. Haven't been able to find any anywhere." Jack explained.
Don chuckled. "For a smart guy MacGyver sometimes you just don't have a clue. Where you been? Outer space?"
"How'd you guess?" Jack asked in his best sarcastic tone. "What gives?"
Dan looked at him. "You really don't know do you?"
Jack shook his head and Dan turned on the noon news.
" . . . as citizens buy all of the clear plastic sheets and duct tape they can find. We are facing a nationwide shortage of duct tape." A lady reporter in front of a hardware store reported. "This coming after the director of Homeland Defense advised Americans to store plastic and duct tape so they can seal their houses in the event of a biological attack."
Dan turned the TV off.
Jack stood there, slack jaw. "That's crazy if you seal a room in plastic you would only have several hours to a day's worth of air, depending on the size and area of the room. Not enough time for bio-hazardous contaminants to be removed."
"You and I know that, but they . . . " Don just frowned.
"Right, so where can I find some?" He asked again.
"Not in this country my friend, not in this country." Don said.
He left and decided to try old man Harris' place. He did odd repair jobs. Perhaps he had some he would be willing to part with.
He went in to the store. "Mr. Harris?"
"Yes?"
"I was wondering if you would have some Duct Tape I could buy?"
"I would not sell it to any of you young people." Jack smirked at being called young. "You wouldn't know what to do with duct tape if, ah forget it - young fools."
"Hey, I know how to use Duct Tape." Jack defended himself. "Duct Tape and me are practically synonymous. It's what I do."
Jack went home and called Pete, who couldn't help him. He reached Jack Dalton; he was no help. Jack sighed. "Now what?"
Jack returned to his office on base. He called Army bases and Navy bases. He even called the Royal Air Force. Nothing. He even went so far as to call Harry Mayborne. Nothing. No Duct Tape anywhere.
* * End Flashback * *
"So, you see, Sir. It took desperate measures to procure the Duct Tape." Jack finished his explanation.
The General was having a hard time not laughing now. His Colonel's face during the story was a site. Every time he said he couldn't find the Duct Tape he looked like someone had just run over his favorite puppy.
"Colonel, that still doesn't explain this bill." The General finally said.
"Sir, that is how much it took to acquire the tape."
"How?"
"Sir, you don't really want to know."
"Say that I do."
"Sir, trust me."
"Colonel."
"Fine, I found out about a huge stash of duct tape. It was in one of four places." Jack sighed. "So, I called some old buddies of mine. We each snuck into one of the places."
"What places?"
"There was one outside Waco, Texas, one in Washington, D.C., one in Maryland, and one in Kennebunkport, Maine."
The General just stared at his Colonel. "Do you mean to tell me you and your friends broke into the President's Ranch, The White House, Camp David, and the Walker/Bush Estate?"
"Told you, you didn't want to know."
"Were you able to get the tape?"
"Yeap, fixed the gate just like I knew it would." Jack smiled. "Ah, the joys of Duct Tape."
The General sighed. "Son, why were you in such a hurry to get the gate fixed that you couldn't wait for Major Carter to fix it properly? There were no teams off world and for once there was nothing pressing."
"Well, Sir. You see . . ." Jack hemmed and hauled a bit.
"Colonel?"
"I had to get to PX4567 during the Gh'esty and it would have been over by the time Carter fixed the gate."
"What was Gh'esty?"
"It is a two day period when PX4-567 has the best fishing anywhere." Jack told him.
"Fishing?! You went through all of this to go fishing?" The General sounded a bit angry, but also slightly amused.
"Ah, that would be a 'Yes', Sir." Jack answered. "May I be dismissed, Sir?"
"Get out!" The General said with fond irritation. "Oh, and Colonel . . . "
"Yes Sir?"
The General reached down and opened his drawer. "Next time," he said as he threw a roll of Duct Tape at the Colonel. "Ask me." He had a file drawer filled with rolls of duct tape.
* * * * *
I'm sorry, I'm weak and couldn't help myself. Every time the news comes on showing people buying all the Duct Tape, I kept thinking of poor Jack/Mac. What would happen when he needed it? Please let me know if you liked it.
Thanks, Teri
Admin note: Recovered from old backup file.
Well, I must confess I haven't read "Jack"... is it actually somewhere here in the Library? 
