Chapter 6: Breaking and Entering (But Mostly Breaking)

MacGyver frantically sought a hiding place. Thinking quickly, he dove across the lacquered bar top and fell behind it. He landed as the door creaked open. Two pairs of footsteps pattered in. Mac looked at the cabinets under the small table. He noticed a pressurized beer tap. He felt into his pocket and found the lighter. He kneeled, device in hand, and pulled out the tap. He stood up and faced the two armed men. They both drew their guns. Trying to get over the instinctive fear of having firearms aimed straight at you, Mac casually filled a mug with the golden liquid. One guard asked “Who the hell are you?”
“I’m the new bartender!” Mac claimed in his best Swedish accent. One guard looked puzzled beyond thought. Mac continued “ You look cold! Let me warm you guys up…” as he fired a stream of beer toward them and tossed the flaming lighter into the torrent. The resulting blaze sought out the men, climbing up the liquid. They both leapt back, rolling on the floor. Mac released the trigger and vaulted over the bar. He ran to the charred men and elbowed one, knocking him out. Mac was distracted as the other man lunged at him. He took him to the groaning wood floor panels and socked him across the jaw. Mac grunted and returned the favor as he jabbed him in the nose. The guard stood up, holding his nose. Mac leapt up and grabbed the collar of the man’s suit. He swung him into the wall, with force. His head clunked against the oak and pushed straight through. He stopped fighting. Mac stepped back and approached the door. He picked up the lighter off the floor. He pushed open the door, ever so slightly. He poked out his head and spun his head both directions. A hallway led to a stairway. It ascended out of view. The other end was a solid brick wall. He turned and silently followed the stairway. It led to another solid brick wall. Mac almost turned back when he noticed a loose brick. He pushed it into place and heard a rush of air. The wall shifted. He surveyed the unknown result and set his hand on it. He slowly nudged it open. The brickwork swung open to reveal an ornately decorated office. Various paintings adorned the walls. He approached a cluttered desk. After sifting through the papers, he found a letter. It read:
“Dear James,
The plan is in effect. The package should be delivered within the week. You know what to do when it arrives. Your assistance is an essential link to our plan.
With gratitude,
ZMQ”
As he was trying to make sense of the letter the door shook as someone tried to open it. Mac dashed for the closet and swung open the slatted hatch. He leapt inside and slammed it shut again. He bent down and peered out through the boards. A heavy-set man limped over to the desk. He was clad in a black with white pinstripe suit. His tie was pure black. He nearly collapsed into the derelict chair and turned to business. He noticed that some of his files weren’t in the order he left them. His puzzlement led him to press a button hidden in the pile of paper. He spoke “Send in Diana, please.” The door opened in seconds and Karen walked in. She strode with over exaggerated swinging of the hips. Mac watched her hop onto the desk of ‘James.’
“What’s wrong, sweetie?” She asked in a little girl voice. She stroked his face, continuing the act. The man shook off his smile and continued.
“Did you happen to enter my office?” he asked suspiciously.
“Well no, I don’t believe I did.” She answered.
“These papers tell me otherwise,” he said as he stood up. Karen seemed to be apprehensive about the whole situation. James raised his hand, his hairy knuckles facing her. Mac dropped his jaw in the surprise. As his hand glided through the air toward her, he took matters into his own hands. He flung open the doors and pounced at the man. He flew clear over the desk and took James to the ground. The big man immediately pulled a pistol from an inside jacket pocket. He aimed it straight at MacGyver. He laughed as he said “They were right!”


Please Comment

I like your story and breaking the action and dialog into smaller paragraphs makes it much easier to read.

The above quoted passage, however, is a little confusing.

Did Mr. James want Diana?

Who is Karen?

Was the girl supposed to be one or the other?

It is a little thing, a minor detail, but these are the things that I notice. Little details can have a huge effect on the story and the readers. If you change a character, introduce them into the story.

Mr. James requesting Diana is a perfect introduction. We expect her to enter the room, because that is the way you set it up.

Instead of Diana, we get Karen, hips swishing like a mare's tail and oozing sexuality across the room. The brief description tells us what her role in the story is, however the character feels out of place because she isn't the person we were set up to expect.

Its a good story and I am enjoying it. Hope the above comment helps.

Mac will notice this, too. Diana turns out to be her codename. Her place in the story will be revealed in the next part.

Suggestion:

Chapter 6: Breaking and Entering (But Mostly Breaking)

MacGyver frantically sought a hiding place. Thinking quickly, he dove across the lacquered bar top and fell behind it. He landed as the door creaked open. Two pairs of footsteps pattered in. Mac looked at the cabinets under the small table. He noticed a pressurized beer tap.

He felt into his pocket and found the lighter. He kneeled, device in hand, and pulled out the tap. He stood up and faced the two armed men. They both drew their guns. Trying to get over the instinctive fear of having firearms aimed straight at you, Mac casually filled a mug with the golden liquid.

One guard asked, “Who the hell are you?”

“I’m the new bartender!” Mac claimed in his best Swedish accent.

One guard looked puzzled beyond thought.

Mac continued, “You look cold! Let me warm you guys up…” as he fired a stream of beer toward them and tossed the flaming lighter into the torrent.

The resulting blaze sought out the men, climbing up the liquid. They both leapt back, rolling on the floor. Mac released the trigger and vaulted over the bar. He ran to the charred men and elbowed one, knocking him out.

Mac was distracted as the other man lunged at him. He took him to the groaning wood floor panels and socked him across the jaw. Mac grunted and returned the favor as he jabbed him in the nose. The guard stood up, holding his nose. Mac leapt up and grabbed the collar of the man’s suit. He swung him into the wall, with force. His head clunked against the oak and pushed straight through. He stopped fighting.

Mac stepped back and approached the door. He picked up the lighter off the floor. He pushed open the door, ever so slightly. He poked out his head and spun his head both directions. A hallway led to a stairway. It ascended out of view. The other end was a solid brick wall. He turned and silently followed the stairway. It led to another solid brick wall. Mac almost turned back when he noticed a loose brick. He pushed it into place and heard a rush of air.

The wall shifted. He surveyed the unknown result and set his hand on it. He slowly nudged it open. The brickwork swung open to reveal an ornately decorated office. Various paintings adorned the walls. He approached a cluttered desk. After sifting through the papers, he found a letter.

It read:
“Dear James,
The plan is in effect. The package should be delivered within the week. You know what to do when it arrives. Your assistance is an essential link to our plan.
With gratitude,
ZMQ”

As he was trying to make sense of the letter the door shook as someone tried to open it. Mac dashed for the closet and swung open the slatted hatch. He leapt inside and slammed it shut again. He bent down and peered out through the boards.

A heavy-set man limped over to the desk. He was clad in a black with white pinstripe suit. His tie was pure black. He nearly collapsed into the derelict chair and turned to business. He noticed that some of his files weren’t in the order he left them. His puzzlement led him to press a button hidden in the pile of paper.

He spoke, “Send in Diana, please.”

The door opened in seconds and Karen walked in. She strode with over exaggerated swinging of the hips. Mac watched her hop onto the desk of ‘James.’

“What’s wrong, sweetie?” She asked in a little girl voice.

She stroked his face, continuing the act. The man shook off his smile and continued.

“Did you happen to enter my office?” he asked suspiciously.

“Well no, I don’t believe I did.” She answered.

“These papers tell me otherwise,” he said as he stood up.

Karen seemed to be apprehensive about the whole situation. James raised his hand, his hairy knuckles facing her. Mac dropped his jaw in the surprise. As his hand glided through the air toward her, he took matters into his own hands. He flung open the doors and pounced at the man. He flew clear over the desk and took James to the ground.

The big man immediately pulled a pistol from an inside jacket pocket. He aimed it straight at MacGyver.

He laughed as he said: “They were right!”