Okay, guys--I'm so sorry I haven't posted sooner, but there was a massive spring snowstorm here in the foothills of Colorado, and I lost power for FIVE days!
Anyway, I'm back now with the conclusion to my latest story. Don't worry--I have another one in the works!
Until then, enjoy this last part!
Guilt Part Five
Rated: PG
“I don’t normally consider myself a violent man,” MacGyver said in the psychiatrist’s office, his cut and bruised face cleaned up and healing after his fight with Scorpion. “I mean, I defend myself when I have to, but…”
“You were angry, weren’t you?” Dr. Walker asked. “You realized that Scorpion killed Rogers and Williamson, and since he was there, you took advantage of the situation and meted out what you felt was a reasonable punishment.”
“Scorpion is under tight security lockdown in the prison infirmary, recovering from what I did to him,” MacGyver said. “He’s in jail. That’s all that matters. It’s the only punishment he needed. I just lost it, Doc. I probably shouldn’t have taken it that far. I could’ve killed him.”
He thought back to when he nearly beat Larson, the vicious bigot that had killed his friend Booker. It was the same kind of uncontrolled rage that had brought him to beating Scorpion so severely. It worried him that he could lose his rational thought processes enough under extreme emotional duress to practically do anything. He worried that he was unpredictable and unstable, something he couldn’t be as an agent or if he wanted to consider himself a decent human being. He always thought he was better than the man committing the crime, but sometimes he wasn’t so sure.
“I don’t think you would’ve killed him,” Dr. Walker said. “You just had some unresolved anger, and you released it. While you might think that makes you less of a person, in some ways, it was a healthy expression of the grief you have been experiencing since the deaths of Rogers and Williamson. You had to let go of it somehow. I’m not suggesting that I condone what you did, but you did what you felt you had to do at the time. Either way, it’s over now, MacGyver. It’s finished. It’s time to move on to the next stage of your life and forgive yourself.”
Slowly, a smile formed on MacGyver’s lips. He looked at the psychiatrist. “I think you’re right about that,” he said.
***
“Mac, I thought you’d like to know that Scorpion has given us the names and locations of his other co-conspirators. They’ve all been captured, too, and his whole network is slowly disintegrating,” Pete said, following MacGyver through the hallways of The Phoenix Foundation after his friend had finished his final session with Dr. Walker.
“That’s great news, Pete,” MacGyver said, still smiling.
“MacGyver, what’s the matter?” Pete asked, watching him carefully.
“I’m not sure I know what you mean, Pete,” MacGyver said.
“You uh…you just don’t seem like yourself…not that you have in the past few months, but right now, you just seem so…calm.”
MacGyver stopped walking and looked at Pete, placing his hand on his shoulder. “I am, Pete,” he said. “For the first time in awhile, I feel like I’ve made a breakthrough.”
“Well, that’s great. So, working with Dr. Walker helped after all, didn’t it?”
“That, and working on my own has helped me, too,” MacGyver said. “I just…I don’t know…suddenly, I just feel relaxed. It’s as if this whole burden of feeling guilty and sorry for what happened has lifted. I’m not saying I’m perfect. I doubt I will ever forget what happened to Rogers and Williamson. It’s just that now, I’m finally beginning to feel at peace.”
Pete smiled. “I’m glad to hear it, Mac,” he said.
“You helped me, too, Pete. You refused to give up on me. I appreciate that.”
“Well, I knew you were going through a difficult period, but I also knew that you’d pull through, even if you didn’t. That’s just how you are, Mac. You’re strong, even if you don’t think you are. It’s one of the things I’ve always admired about you.”
MacGyver nodded and patted his friend on the back. “I’ll see you later, Pete,” he said, heading toward the elevators.
“Where are you going?” Pete asked.
“There’s just one more thing I need to do.”
***
MacGyver wasn’t completely comfortable with the idea of meeting with the widows of Rogers and Williamson, and a part of him wondered why he had arranged it. Dr. Walker hadn’t told him to do it—it wasn’t a necessary part of his therapy. It was something he had decided to set up on his own. He wasn’t sure what to say to them when they entered the coffee shop where he had told them to meet him. What words would he offer in condolence? Would he offer an apology? Try to explain things to them? He wasn’t even sure he could still explain everything to himself. As much as he didn’t want to see them, afraid that they’d judge him, accuse him of being alive when their husbands weren’t, he felt he needed to do it. He had to finalize the whole situation and put some closure to it. It was something he never fully felt he was able to do with his grandfather Harry or Mike’s family.
He was distracted by his own thoughts when Suzanne Rogers and Kim Williamson entered, searching the coffee shop for him. He had ordered a tea and was dipping his long index finger in it absently, pretending to check the water’s temperature when in reality he wasn’t thinking about it at all. He stared out the window framed by a long ivy draping over a ledge above it. It was raining lightly outside, and he stared at the drops as they accumulated on the glass, glistening in the sun peeking through the clouds.
“MacGyver?” Suzanne asked, standing with Kim right near his table.
MacGyver looked up at them, offering a slight smile. “Hello,” he said. “Please, have a seat.”
Suzanne looked at Kim and they sat down across from MacGyver. All of them were silent for awhile. MacGyver was too nervous and unsure what to say that all he could do for a few minutes was look at the women and again offer his best shy smile, his lips twitching slightly. He was sweating, and it wasn’t from the hot tea, either.
“Listen, I…” he stopped, and then continued, trying to regain his confidence. “Thanks for meeting me here today.” He watched both women, trying to read their expressions. They didn’t look angry, but they looked just as uncomfortable as he was, sitting stiffly in their seats. “I…I’m not sure what to say, I guess. I really should’ve met with you both sooner, but…”
He stopped himself. What was he going to tell them? That he had spent several months filled with self-pity and hatred? Suddenly, he realized how selfish that sounded, especially since they were the ones who had lost their spouses.
“I barely knew your husbands,” he said. “But, during the time I got to know them, they seemed like great men.”
“Thank you,” Kim said, staring at the table.
“I…I guess I just…”
“You don’t have to apologize for anything, MacGyver,” Suzanne said. “I understand how you’re feeling, and why you stayed away.”
MacGyver raised his eyebrows in surprise. “You do?” He asked.
“Sure I do. You survived when…when Fred and Andy didn’t. Of course that would be difficult to live with. But MacGyver, I don’t blame you for my husband’s death,” Suzanne said.
“I don’t, either,” Kim said, looking up at him. “We’ve been briefed on what happened, and while it doesn’t make our losses any easier, at least we know that they died protecting this country.”
“I just wish I could’ve protected them,” MacGyver said, sighing.
“You did all that you could,” Suzanne said. “From what we understand, you almost died yourself.”
“At least you were able to put away the man who is responsible for killing them,” Kim said. “For that, we’re truly grateful, Mr. MacGyver.”
“Not only that—you managed to help bring down that whole terrorist network,” Suzanne said. “You finished what you began to do with our husbands. I think they’d be proud of you.” She smiled warmly at him.
“Well, thank you, but I don’t feel I deserve all this recognition,” MacGyver said. “I was just doing my job. So were your husbands.”
“Yeah, but it’s an important job,” Kim said. “I’m glad there are people like you out there doing it, MacGyver.”
“Thank you, but again, I’m not sure I…”
“Our husbands felt honored to serve with you,” Suzanne said, staring into his deep brown soulful eyes, seeing the sincerity in them. “Now, I think I can see why. You’re a good man, MacGyver. Don’t let what happened to our husbands make you feel any differently.” She reached out and squeezed his hand gently in support. When she released it, she stood, Kim following her.
“Wait,” MacGyver said, feeling more comfortable. “Why don’t you stay for awhile? I’ll treat you to lunch.”
“We’d love to, MacGyver,” Kim said, “but we really have to get going. We just wanted to meet the man our husbands were so excited to work with.”
“Can we stay in touch?” MacGyver asked them. “I would love to check up with you both and see how you’re doing once in awhile.”
Suzanne and Kim smiled. “We’d like that,” Suzanne said.
“It was a pleasure to meet you, MacGyver,” Kim said. “Keep up your work. Don’t let our husband’s deaths stop you. What you’re doing is valuable. Andy and Fred recognized that, otherwise they wouldn’t have risked their lives.”
MacGyver smiled and nodded. “I think I understand,” he said. “It was nice meeting both of you, too.”
As he watched them leave, he was relieved that they didn’t blame him for their husbands’ deaths. It also still surprised him a little. All this time, he was waiting for someone else to judge him as harshly as he had judged himself for his conduct in Alaska. Slowly, he was beginning to realize that he wasn’t a monster. He was the only one calling himself that. Dr. Walker had been right. He was his worst critic, and it was time to forgive himself.
The End
"If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer."
--Henry David Thoreau
brains+brawn+beauty+personality=MacGyver
Also you might want to try an OLD SCHOOL approach when that happeds. Pen/pencil and Paper, works wonder for me. 
