A blonde and a brunette jump off a bridge. Who lands first?

The brunette, of course!

(the blonde had to stop and ask for directions)

Mac

A woman went into a mixed sauna. She got embarrased and blushed when hearing two men making jokes about her - well, big backside. Another man came in and noticed her red face.

He asked: "Why are you blushing?"

She did not want to say why and so she told him, because her breasts are too small.

He told her, she should take a piece of paper and rub it through the middle of her breast several times.

She was astonished: "You think, that will help making them bigger?"

"Well, it worked on your backside..."

That one never gets old!

Mac

*groans!*

How did Hitler tie his shoesies?

In little Nazis!

Q .. How do blonde braincells die?
A .. Alone.

*snicker*

I almost had a psychic boyfriend...
... but he left me before we met.

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

Ohh... that's so wrong!

Stop pickin on our shrub!!

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster is a maniac.



*Beware, wild sheep on the loose*

You'd better be careful... there's New Zealanders and Australians on this board.

As long as it's Russell it's okay. He can eh... try and get me anytime. (I'll give in after about erm... 2 seconds)




The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends.

If they are okay, then it's you.

Q .. How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A .. She fell out of the tree.

The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!"

The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"

The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Best line so far!!!

Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball?

Who could blame her, she had a pumpkin for a coach and was always running from the ball!

Mac

The whole premise was funny but that is hilarious!

Ah since you like Bush so much, here's another one

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

The policeman had the bar under surveillance a few minutes before closing time, so he could see who comes out drunk.

The first one out the door at 2:00 o'clock weaved down the sidewalk, then fell on the curb. Sluggishly got up, then tried his keys in five cars before finding his own car.

Once inside his car, he fumbled with his keys for 2 or 3 minutes.

Meanwhile, all the club patrons had gotten into their cars and driven away, leaving this one fellow quite alone in the parking lot.

Finally, he got his car started and began to very slowly drive away.

Immediately, the police car was behind him with lights flashing.

The policeman asked the man to take a breathalyser test, to which he readily agreed.

When the reading was 0.0%, the policeman said, "How can this be?"

To which the man replied, "Because tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Two cows are standing at the pasture. One cow said "Moo!"

The other cow replied, "You know, I just also was going to say that!"





Uh, sorry.

Q. Why dont blind men skydive?
A. Because it scares the crap out of the dog

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

• Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
• "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
• Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
• Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
• Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
• Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
• There go the lights again?
• "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
• What's this doing here?
• I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
• That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
• Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
• OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
• This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
• Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
• Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
• What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
• Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

That's hilarious.

Answering machine message:

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

What do you call a fish with no eye ?

FSH !

Another answering machine message:

Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now.




This is sooo me




Just noticed - my husband left me a message on the answering machine.
I noticed because he sent me a mail to check the answering machine

I should have seen that one coming a mile away!

Two nuns are driving along in a car when a vampire lands on their hood.
The first nun shouts to the second nun, "Quick, show it your cross!"
So the second nun leans out the window and shouts, "Get the heck off of my car you freak!"

Mac
(hmm... the sanitized version without the big swear word doesn't seem as effective)

*wipes tear from eye* OMG I don't know why but that one struck me very well.

That's the first time I actually laughed out loud at one of these.

The laws of golf, part 1

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale
to swallow a human because even though they were a very
large mammals their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

The laws of golf, part 2

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.