[Lothithil]

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[sharjan]

Might be this Lawyer:
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[Kyrian]

On the subject of lawyers...

How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof??

[MacNymph]

It depends on how thinly you slice them.

[Kyrian]

Aw! you guessed it! Do love that joke though.

Well you all probably know this one too, but as lame jokes go, I still like it!

What do you call 10,000 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean??

[sharjan]

Nope, I haven't heard this one.

Something to do with a shark family reunion

[Lothithil]

Heard this one on my LJ from my Friend Sila

Texas Justice

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Texas deputy's expense.

The deputy says, "License and registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"You still didn't come to a complete stop," says the deputy. "License and registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please." the Deputy says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

[MacNymph]

A classic!

Why did the frog cross the road?

Because nobody toad him not to.


Honestly, a conversation I had with my mother earlier today when I nearly squished a frog in the middle of the road.

[Kyrian]

What do you call 10,000 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean??

Answer: A darn good start!


HI to everybody here at MOG. Luv ya all! :hug:
All the cats say hi too!
Boo: Meow! (hides under the bed)
Cricket: Murrr...
Peaches: Mmeeoowww!
Rafe: murp?
Selena: Zzzzzzz...
Mac: "Hey guys, Whats up?"

*I dont suffer from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.*

[sharjan]

Here's something for your cats Kyrian.

BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSEHOLD TO RUN.

1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get onto a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental is available, a shag rug is good.

2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors to any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow or mosquito season.

3. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one.This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering.

4. HAMPERING: When supervising cooking, sit just behind left heel of cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled.
For book reading humans, get in close under chin, between eyes and book, unless you can actually get yourself into a position to lie across the book itself.
For knitting projects, curl up quietly into lap of knitter and pretend to doze. Occasionally reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This can cause dropped stitches or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Ignore it. Remember the aim is to hamper work.

5. PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing “catch mouse” or “King of the Hill” on the bed between 2 and 4 a.m.

6. TRAINING: Begin people training early and you will have a smooth running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught………………if you start early enough.

[Kyrian]

Sharjan, that is absolutely SO true!!
(the cats are glaring at me for laughing and agreeing)

The MacGyver's favorite "helping" is to want a "mommy fix" when I'm at the computer. He climbs up on me and starts "kneeding" my stomach, so I have to stop working and hold him, (all 17 pounds of him) then he lays down in my arms and purrs (and drools) while I pet him, and tell him that hes "my baby boy". After a few minutes of this, he sticks his head down the front of my shirt (I carried him there when he was a tiny 3 week old baby and now he dosent believe that he wont still fit in there) and tries to get realy comfy on "moms pillows". Sigh... Apparently boys are boys no matter what species they are..

We named him The MacGyver, because he is unusualy intelligent, and I have watched him problem solve several times.

His best problem solve as a kitten was that he wanted a crochet butterfly fridgie magnet on the upper freezer door. It was too high for him to reach of course.
We watched him stare and meow at it for a few minutes. Then he looked at the stove (next to the fridge) and back at the top of the fridge. He did this a few times then he jumped onto the stove, up onto the top of the fridge, leaned over, pushed the magnet down so it fell on the floor, where he then jumped back down onto the stove and then to the floor and carried the magnet off to play with it. He's my smart baby!!

[sharjan]

Wow Kyrian! The MacGyver certainly is very clever and aptly named.

I have 2 cats, 1 of which is a door thumper, especially when you're in the toilet or in the middle of the night.
The other, is one that gets under your feet when you're in the kitchen, but she doesn't like to be held. You have to actually stop what you are doing and give her a tummy rub, while she lays on the lounge.

My 2 certainly seem to know how to follow these rules.

[Kyrian]

Sharjan, we brag about our cats like proud parents do about their kids...
Then again my cats are my kids...
(Along with the finches (28 of em so far,several cages of several varieties) I hope my Society finches take a break from layin eggs... I think they are determined to re populate the world...

Who else has pets or human type kids to brag about??

[sharjan]

Had to rush Brodie to the Vet this morning as he had been in a cat fight.
Ended up with 2 puncture wounds under his right ear but it looked much worse than it actually was. He had blood all over his neck, but after they cleaned him up it wasn't as bad as we thought.

We have really high fences which he can't jump so we thought he would be pretty safe in our yard. But just lately we have a cat that's jumping in and fighting with him, so now we are going to have to keep him inside all the time at the moment.

The vet said it's common at this time of year as the females are in season and the males get more adventurous and aggressive. Already there has been record numbers of unwanted kittens being dumped at animal shelters.

It's a shame people aren't more responsible about pet ownership.

[A. MacGyver]

I have a Dog and 3 cats. That's enough pets for me, though an extra dog wouldn't hurt...

[Kyrian]

Sorry to hear about Brodie, Sharjan. I hope he will be alright.
I worry about my kids too...

On a happier note, another lawyer joke:

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer??

(May all of you who read this have a blessed and wonderful day!)

[sharjan]

Thanks Kyrian, he's doing fine now.

I Think a Lawyer would have to be a Dead Weight.

[Kyrian]

Quote:
Kyrian: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
Sharjan: I think a lawyer would have to be a Dead Weight
**********************
Good one, Sharjan! I like that answer

The answer I had was:
"About 3 pounds including the urn.."

[sharjan]

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does this sound familiar! )

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

[Kyrian]

Love the "How to call the Police.." Thats great, Sharjan!

Heres a joke for all us girls...

Q. What is the difference between a single woman and a married woman?

A. A single woman comes home, sees what's in the refrigerator and goes to bed.
A married woman comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the refrigerator.

Fair joke for all the ones the guys tell on the girls. And because I think the females outnumber the males on this site!!

[lucky charley]

this is a fun game don't you think

[lucky charley]

check out my orcestra

[lucky charley]

20 post till i get a rank up

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