Or you could say you are looking for your contact lens in between the keys of your keyboard.

"I'm investigating the possibility of a neutrino leak in the keyboards. Have you noticed the computers behaving oddly today?"

Nope. All those typos are the result of fat fingered typing...

LOL -- at my office, there's never a day when the computers don't do something odd.

Mine too, but that's because I work for a federally funded government facility and with the government's ability to pay its bills....

Well, I'll just copy that in here for your enjoyment (got it from Brenda, for those who know her), but I have to admit that some of these went a bit over my head...

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Very clever! Had to stop and think about a couple of them though.
My favourites were 10, 14 and 19. And maybe 6, 9, 11, 18 and 23.
And OK the whole lot of them.

Those are all precious... but that last one is my favourite!

Those are great, Astra!

Other lesser-known knights included:

Sir Round, who was almost as large as Sir Cumference, and easily able to overwhelm an opponent by his sheer size.

Sir Cumlocution, best known for his long-winded avoidance of direct answers.

Sir Prize, who had the annoying habit of jumping out from behind trees and yelling "Boo".

Sir Cumstantial, who never managed to prove anything but was always implying something.

Sir Rogate, who was always substituting for others.

and Sir Realism, who wore a melted watch, even though watches hadn't been invented yet.

*snickers* Cute!

Good ones.

Oh those are Great, Astra!!

I love "One-Liners"

And just as soon as my poor excuse for a brain remembers any I will post them!

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student however, wrote the following...

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So, which is it ???

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

I love the joke; and hopefully it won't detract from the fun if I weigh in that it wasn't a UW student, and that the story probably isn't true.

http://www.snopes.com/college/exam/hell.asp

Versions have been circulating on the net since 1997, and off the net for decades before that. This one is a new variant: in the older versions, the student had not yet managed to have sex with the girl. The new variant is definitely a punchier ending!

Hey, that's a cool sight Beth.
It's great to know where some of these "stories" originate from.

I didn't think the story was true, as with most of the emails that are doing the rounds.
People are very clever to think them up though. I wish I was that smart.

Oh well! At least I get to enjoy a good laugh from their cleverness.

The urban-myth part of the story may not be true, but I still think it's hysterically funny.

Scientists can be wonderful at sending themselves up -- my father was a nuclear physicist, and he had an amazing sense of humour. He loved MacGyver, too: he thought the show was smart and funny. I think his favourite moment on the show was the 'lateral-cranial impact enhancer' line.

Hey... when I get to 5000 posts, do I get another promotion?

A new title?
A door prize?
A Walmart gift card?

A new set of steak knives?

How about my own roll of duct tape?

*throws confetti*

A measly roll of duct tape? At 5000 posts, you oughta get a gift-wrapped troubleshooter in a hot tub crate!

Oooo! Gleefully accepted!

Sorry, hot tub crate re-reouted to Utah. I now have:

My driver license back

Clearance for swimming and hot tubs

No idea whether or not I have shared that in here before, but in case I haven't... enjoy!

European Union

Read slowly and carefully...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

very clever.

Ha ha ha!

What?

What do I get at 1,000 posts?

That's flippin funny!

Is it really how the German language evolved? That looks sensible to me! I think I can master another foreign language now.

*collapses with hysterical laughter*

Glad you all liked it!

(I'm still not quite sure whether I should be proud or embarrassed that, for example, the hot dog man in Vancouver immediately recognized: "German, right?" - and imagine my amazement when he had - among other things - sauerkraut available!)

Just try, you will find a lot of familiar words!

As every language, we have a habit of taking words from other languages, and after a while they get a different spelling, and nobody would be able to tell anymore which country they came from. So, there is indeed a word like Fotograf.

Just recently we got another batch of new spellings, which I am not comfortable with yet, I am so used to use Portemonnaie (French for wallet) that the new spelling seems odd to me. On the other hand, there are words people always spell wrong, so they only are following with making it suddenly right

Love the new spelling system, Astra!

(But I would rather have the giftwrapped trouble shooter!! Forget the hot tub!
And hey, forget the giftwrap too..

Might need a bath towel for drooling on though...

*Purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....*