ugh.. mis-read. ON a hot tin box.

Why are men like lava lamps?

They're fun to watch but they're not to bright.

Grrl groans Geez Rock, those are the kind of jokes my husband tells..........

Heh heh heh... shellfish!

Last winter, while sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. The guy could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How did you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em."

Oceanside Waiter: Would you like to try the beef tongue?


Mainlander: No, I do not eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth.

Oceanside Waiter: Would you like an omelette instead?

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives -- then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Oh Geez! That'll shut more than a few women up.

I'd rather fall in in the middle of the night than know that's going on!

I liked the "duct tape" one

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred
and Mary are up yet?

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school."

after school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and & Mary up yet?


His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue!"

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing,
the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

********

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a
family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."


*********


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

***********


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or
That's
Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And
there's the teacher, she's dead."

*********

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

******

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a
large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Aaaaaaaaaah!!!
Dang it!!! I found this really cool bikini on the Ralph Lauren site and I've "customized" it the way I wanted it. And now you can oly have it sent to Canada, Japan and the US????

If you wish, you can send it to me and I'll remail it to you. Email me

Yeah Sheepy, that's a great idea.

That would be great!!!

I haven't gotten an email from you. mine is joanob127(at)hotmail.com

I got the email and have emailed you back with my mailing address

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?


A wooley jumper.

*facepalm* sooo bad!


A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

*shakes head*

Why is the sand at the beach wet?

The sea weed.

*groan*

I went fishing yesterday for the halibut

If a tree falls in the woods, do the other trees make fun of it?

how come when the bridge is opened the bridge is closed?

um... because.. um....

because men came up with the vernacular lol

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the sob to death with the chair!"

roflmao!!!!!!!!!

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a
little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe
that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough,
more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks,
and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a
pay envelope containing a couple of dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of
admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to
the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and
asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the
crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller,
"and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those :censored: at Home Depot ever
deliver the :censored: sheet rock..."

Stories like this just bring a tear to your eye.

It was April the forty-first, being a quadruple leap year.
I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My barracuda was in the shop
So I was in a rented stingray and it was overheating

So I pulled into a Shell Station. They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?"

While they were doing that, I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar, a real dive, but I knew the owner. He used to play for the Dolphins. I said "Hi Gil!"
You have to yell, he's hard of herring

either that or he just clammed up...........

That comes later.

Gil was also down on his luck. Fact is he was barely keeping his head below water
I bellied up to the sandbar. He poured me the usual. Rusty snail, hold the grunion,
Shaken not stirred. With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side. Heavy on the mako.

I slipped him a fin. On porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids. For the halibut.