Sorry. Had to... before you sobered up and edited them.

That was my dad's favourite joke of all time.

Mac

I am not an organ donor, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.

Yea gods, that was BAD.

Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."

Mac

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intentively on the youth's multicolored mowhawk, orange shirt, green pants and yellow shoes. The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild and crazy in your life?"
The man responeded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."

oh, dear....




I can teach my cat any trick he wants to do!

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa! That one is brilliant!!

Quitting smoking is easy. I have done it several times already.

Mac

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bar tender can't help but wonder and calls out to the pirate:
"Sir, are you aware you have a steering wheel in your pants???"
And the pirate answers:
"Aye, and it's drivin' me nuts!"

*snicker* Okay... in the same vein....

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only a pair of underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Stop right there... I can clearly see your nuts."

There has got to be more of us with bad jokes!

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Newfie were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you! We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you and then use your skins to make a canoe! The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I will take ze sword!" The chief gives him a sword and the Frenchman yells, "Viva la France!" He then runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please!" The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out!
The Newfie says, "Give me a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Newfie takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over - the stomach, the chest, everywhere! The Newfie has blood gushing out all over! The chief is shocked.
He asks the Newfie, "What are you doing?!"
The Newfie replies, "So much for your canoe!"

Mac
(feel free to substitute any abused minority of your choice for the Newfie)

*is laughing helplessly at this onslaught of truly bad jokes*

A termite walks into a bar and straight up to another termite sitting on a barstool.

"So," asks the new termite, "is the bar tender here?"

Take that! TWACK!

This is so much fun!

Mac

159 posts to 400!

(not that I'm counting or anything)

Mac

A dog who attends a flea circus is apt to steal the show.

Took me a minute!

Two fish were in a tank. One said to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

Mac

*gasps and wipes away tears*


A bicycle can’t stand on it’s own because it’s two-tired.

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

*snorts with laughter!*

A flying saucer was low on fuel, so it landed by a gas station on a lonely country road. On its side were the letters ‘UFO”. The gas station attendant was stunned, but his curiosity got the best of him.
“Does that stand for Unidentified Flying Object?” he asked.
“No,” one of the other-worldly travelers responded, “it stands for ‘Unleaded Fuel Only.”

Oh, these are terrible

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
el-if-i-no

Sooo bad!

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender frowns at him and says, "We don't serve pieces of string in this bar. Get out."
The piece of string goes out of the bar and begins to twist himself around, pulling on his ends until all the braided threads were sticking out in all directions. Then he goes back into the bar again and orders a drink.
"Aren't you the same piece of string that I just threw out of here?" roared the irritated bartender.
"No," retorted the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

Love that one! Punny jokes are the best!!!

Mac

Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles!

Real quick.. before Rocky shows up.

A New Zealander walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.
He meets another New Zealander who says "you sheerin' mate?" and the first guy replies "naw, they're all mine"

Two dumb blondes are standing on opposite sides of a street.
"Excuse me," shouts one blonde to the other, "can you tell me how to get to the other side of this street?"
The other yells back:
"Why, you're already there?!"

What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.

You recovered Sheepy?

_______________


A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.

Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.

As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.

Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"

He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."

I had to read that one a couple of times, then realised that I was reading it in the wrong accent.

Mac

Well... I over-acted a little. In my state it was funny (I wasn't drunk, I had to work early) But erm... I guess that was a really bad "joke" from my side....

********

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions. Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem. The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.

******************

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies

(Now that one is BAAAAAAD)