Just spotted this on our good friend Tony Lee's facebook page and had to share.




I always enjoy it when Indian call centers contact me trying to sell me something. Recently there's been a spate of 'your Microsoft PC is dying, yes we are Microsoft' calls. These can be annoying, but with a little Tony Lee magic, we can make these so much more fun. I just did this, and I'm still laughing.

First, AGREE WITH THEM. Follow what they say. It's your daughter's / sister's / mother's PC and you're worried your porn has affected it. Let them take you through the start, into MY COMPUTER, into the Event checker, then go

"Oh. That's odd."

"What is, sir?"

"A box has appeared on the screen."

"What does it say?"

"It says Confirmation, Skynet protocols engaged."

They won't know what this means, it's not in their script, so they will gloss over it, try to carry on. Then go

"Whoa! My webcam's turned on! I can see myself in the corner of the screen!"

They will at this point try to get you to go to a website, as again this isn't in their script. ALWAYS STAY HELPFUL. Continue with

"It's following me around the room! How are you doing that?"

By now they should be starting to lose it, but will still try to keep going, try to get you to the website that makes their money. At this point it's time to ramp up the fun. Start getting stressed - tell them the lights in your room are flickering. go

"What the hell! There's a new box on the screen!"

"What does it say?"

"It says un-permitted access to WOPR kernel! Do you want to play Global Thermonuclear War? What are you doing to my PC?"

Now. And this is the important part. Go to

http://soundbible.com/tags-thunder.html

and open the page as you're talking. These can be played at the same time, but this order works best.

Start screaming "Whats going on!" as you press THUNDER SOUND FX. Ensure speakers are up. After the first strike add TWO MINUTE STORM.

Start screaming "Help me! It's saying it's going to delete me!" while pressing BLAST, MORTAR BLAST and BARREL EXPLODING one by one.

If they're still there, start SCREAMING VERY LOUDLY.

Guaranteed to get rid of them. I do believe my one was screaming 'I'm sorry! I'm sorry!' as I started to laugh, slamming the phone down.


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Tony is a writer and novelist, best known for his New York Times #1 Bestselling Graphic Novel adaptation PRIDE & PREJUDICE & ZOMBIES, his run of DOCTOR WHO books for IDW, his comics for MTV & his DOCTOR WHO/BERNICE SUMMERFIELD audio plays for BIG FINISH. He is best know to us as the co-writer and driving force behind the new MacGyver comics.

http://www.tonylee.co.uk
http://www.twitter.com/mrtonylee